2019 Movies That Would Be Better with Farts In Them
There was a lot to like in 2019’s batch of innovative and exciting films. But something important was missing. Heinie hiccups. Steamers. Duck calls make everything (except for a long car trip) deeper and more complex.
Not only that, but they’re funny. Some of my best laughs have been gas-related. A good fizzler can be both humbling and hilarious. After all, everyone goes colon bowlin’ every month or two. Except for my husband.
Who nurtures a lot of barking spiders.
So, I’ve created a list of 2019 movies that would have been better with putt-putts populating their scripts. Hollywood, take note and do better.
Ad Astra has a strong sci-fi concept and lots of Brad Pitt voiceovers. Is it about searching for God in an indifferent world? Or was it about me, an indifferent viewer, trying not to fall asleep.
It was slow. I remember that.
A well-timed pootsa here and there really would have spiced things up. Brad Pitt wouldn’t have even needed to generate a genuine, great brown cloud! He could have done it in voiceover. A semi-literal brain spitter.
Sci-fi is supposed to be about innovation, after all.
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
The problem with Mr. Rogers in this movie is that he is too perfect. Are we supposed to believe he’s human? Humans wipe their boogers on other people’s coats, start wars, and bully each other on the internet.
Mr. Rogers didn’t do any of those things.
To be an interesting character, he could have used a little humanizing. Wouldn’t a fanny frog have helped? Don’t we all want to see Tom Hanks squeak out a back blast then cover his mouth and giggle?
Yes. Yes, we do.
Fighting With My Family
This movie is about wrestling and family. I don’t know much about wrestling, but I know a lot about family. And families frump. Constantly.
Probably wrestlers do, too. I bet they cut a muffin every they smash into the mat.
After all, the body does what it does. And sometimes it bakes a tiny air biscuit. Other times it fully lets Polly out of jail.
Until wrestling movies (and all other sports movies) tell the truth about trouser coughs and tushy ticklers, then I’ll be dismissing them as typical, sterilized Hollywood fare.
Toy Story 4
Pixar has revealed a lot of things about the previously hidden world of toys. We’ve seen them afraid. We’ve seen them proud. We’ve seen them loyal and loving. Many of our questions have been answered.
But not all our questions.
Buzz Lightyear is either going to need to commit to a full-blown sphincter whistle, or we’re going to need an explanation for the lack of stale wind in the nursery.
Toy Story 5. You hear me, Pixar? It better happen. The fans need to know.