Nov 16Member-onlyMy Extremely Brief Stint as a Sports FanI gave it a whirl… it didn’t work out. — I never found sports particularly interesting, but, in sports’ defense, I never really tried. I was way too wrapped up in my identity as an art snob. Put on a show in an old mausoleum, or talk about how The Pinchers traded Old Buckley to The Push Pins for one…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Oct 30Member-onlyA HauntingThe coffee shop closed its doors forever on the night before Halloween. The latest victim of the overeager wrecking ball, it was forced to step aside so the march of progress could continue unimpeded. 93 years of operation and 7,807,350 cups of coffee served—a proud legacy on which to end…Short Story2 min readShort Story2 min read
Sep 25Member-onlyTired? Stop Doing These Four Ridiculous ThingsIt’s an instant energy boost. — Does it ever seem like everyone is tired these days? Fortunately, there are a few activities you can eliminate from your life to give yourself an extra jolt of vigor, keeping you fully conscious and slightly productive all day long. 1. Challenging your friends to coffee drink-offs at 11:34pm every day Sure it’s fun in the moment. It makes you seem…Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Sep 8Member-onlyI Might Be Dying and It’s This Chair’s Faultnot literally dying, but an equivalent level of pain, emotionally speaking — I got the smart idea to buy a new office chair, because my old chair was roughly 800 years old and made my butt feel like a bowling ball bouncing across a brick floor. …This Happened To Me4 min readThis Happened To Me4 min read
Jul 10Member-onlyA Warm Cookie in a Cool Cave“Hey beautiful. I saw the picture you posted in the PNW Spelunkers and Snickerdoodle Enjoyers group and, although most of your face was concealed by your goggles and LEPTIOL SHORTHY Caving Helmet with the tough ABS shell, I was instantly captivated. …Short Story3 min readShort Story3 min read
Jun 11Member-onlyThe Moist WarsFun for everyone to enjoy, okay, maybe not everyone, but someone. — A year ago I got ten likes on a tweet and grew mad with power, using my newfound fame to jump on the cancel train and cancel a word or two. I canceled “cheugy” (you haven’t seen it around, have you?) …Humor3 min readHumor3 min read
Published in Jane Austen’s Wastebasket·May 31Member-onlyNeed a Pied Piper to Take Care of Your Nasty Rat Problem?Might want to check out these online reviews — Graham Smearputs ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐— 3 months ago His piping was a pleasure to listen to, filled with high notes and low notes. His prancing was also world-class. I haven’t seen a single rat sniffing around my basement since the HOA hired him. Even if he hadn’t gotten rid of the rats, I’d still…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
May 22Member-onlyThe Snowballing of All My Small, Extremely Ridiculous HabitsOne silly step at a time — Don’t worry. I’m not going to become a productivity/self help writer. Can you imagine? Most of my productivity hacks don’t translate well to other humans, because they are utter nonsense. For example, if I’m having a hard time concentrating, I like to put on a hat. …This Happened To Me3 min readThis Happened To Me3 min read
May 15Member-only“What’s the Strangest Thing You Ever Dug Up?”A group of scoundrels sat together in the far corner of the pub, the sort of foul villains that good, normal folk would cross the county to avoid. Their laughter was wild and raucous, delivered alongside bad breath and through mouths with missing teeth. …Fiction5 min readFiction5 min read
May 4Member-onlyAcross the Long, Impossible DistanceThe evening air was cold and thin, with stars stretching from horizon to horizon. Charles sat alone in the middle of a field, the silence so sharp he could hear the beating of his heart and little else. On his lap was a cheap walkie talkie. It reminded him of…Fiction3 min readFiction3 min read
