About a year and a half ago I decided to become a bangs girl, mainly for two reasons.
I’ve always had a huge forehead. When I was a kid, the recess monitors would watch me running around the playground like a maniac and wonder, “why is that hyperactive child bald? And why does she keep collecting slugs and putting them in the play fort?” …
Hi everyone! I hope you’ve been having an amazing (and healthy) holiday season filled with fun new rituals, such as garage gift exchanges and candy cane-printed face masks. I read Roz Warren’s article on her top Four Most Popular Medium Stories of 2020 and found the concept appealing. Copying her idea saves me from having to overexert myself. I’m too full of cherry pie and pfeffernusse to even crawl off the sofa, let alone prod my brain into generating original concepts.
Like Roz, I’m going to go by read count, because that seems like the fairest metric. I’ll also attempt to determine what made these stories stand out to readers, so you can apply that information to your own writing. One of them had the word “poo” in the title, so everyone go write articles about poo immediately after reading this. …
My name is Bobby and I’m going to get coal in my stocking this year.
“How do you know you’ll get coal, Bobby?” you ask. “Perhaps you’ll get peppermint sticks or a toy train!”
Ha, you dense adult. I’m not going to get candy or toys. Santa has it out for me. I get coal in my stocking every year. I’m not even a bad child! I’m average at best. There are days when I don’t make my parents cry. Sure, I’ve broken three windows playing baseball in the house, but I also washed a dish one time. Yeah, I frequently poop in the backyard and blame it on the dog, but the dog doesn’t care. …
It was the middle of the Christmas season and I was exhausted from working a double shift at the mall. I’d served more than my fair share of angry customers and if I never folded a wool sweater again it would be too soon. Plus, there were all the folks who felt it would be polite to pull their masks down when they wanted to talk with me. By the time I arrived home, I was ready to collapse on the sofa and spend the rest of the evening alone, eating leftovers and playing video games.
Alas, it wasn’t to be. …
Children dream of flying. They imagine how wonderful it would be to soar from wall to ceiling, or even burst through the windows and tickle the stars. In their dreams flying is euphoric. In real life it has drawbacks.
Bridget Bailey McQuinn had always been shy of gravity. When she was an infant nestled in her mother’s arms, she’d occasionally sigh happily and rise up into the air. Her mother had to grab her by the toe and bring her back down to the safety of her embrace. Later Bridget Bailey McQuinn started leaving sticky handprints near the ceiling fan. …
The sparkly pink death had long spread throughout the county, coating inhabitants with spangles and suffering. No pestilence had ever been so fatal or so dazzling. First came the sequined pox marks, the velvet top hats, the throats coated in stars. Then pink cloaks sprouted from the shoulders of the victims, followed by an insatiable urge to belt out “Rose’s Turn” or “Anything Goes” in a key high enough to pierce eardrums. This last symptom ensured those visited by the pink death would be locked far from the company of others. …
Results came in through the morning, while we woke up and got ready to go. By noon the deal was done. We walked around Bagan zombie-eyed and I stared at the other tourists we passed, wondering if they were Americans. It was lonely carrying that stress around in a country so far from my own. We climbed temples and rode motor bikes, but a filter had been placed over our experience, bleeding strangeness into each shot. I didn’t sleep much. People back home told me I cared too much. If caring can be switched off, it seems dangerous to try.
A few days later we were in Hong Kong. …
If you’re the sort of person who lives for Halloween, then you’re likely feeling let down at the prospect of a dusty, quiet Halloween this year. Maybe you haven’t even put out pumpkins or tried casting a shrinking spell on your neighbors. Cheer up! While you could spend the 31st eating candy corn and crying, why don’t you grab the ghost by the goiter and embrace the lonely vibes? There are plenty of spicy, socially distanced activities you can do to make Halloween 2020 the scariest ever!
If you’re in possession of quiet time and a self destructive streak, then maybe a demon could be in possession of you. It’s worth a try! There’s Zar-edelz, who will take up residence in your belly button and make groaning noises every time you change the channel. Brickrash causes his human hosts to burp spiders, which is always amusing. Tim is an especially scary demon. He’s trying to bring about the end of the world via pointless bureaucracy and when he possesses you, he prevents you from saying anything other than: “That’s the wrong form. You need to fill out A45B and bring it to Reports on the third floor.” …
I’m new to Gnawville (moved in on Wednesday!) and am excited to meet you all! I was told the recycling gets picked up on Thursdays, but no one has picked up my recycling. The environment is very important to me! Climate change affects everyone, but especially us, because it seems very hot in this neighborhood.
Stan Filnish • May 28th
Welcome to the neighborhood, Bea
🙂 1 Thanks
Is anyone else seeing this?
WTF, am I right, my friends?
Stan Filnish • June 2nd
🙂 5 Thanks
Andy Grainersand • June 2nd
The big ass fire that’s coming down right now, dude! Look out your window! WTF!