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A Conversation With The Constant Pressure In My Chest.

Meet my new friend.

Me: Hi everyone! Today we’re going to have a conversation with my new friend, The Constant Pressure In My Chest! While we only met a few months ago, in that time we’ve become very close. As a matter of fact, there’s barely a moment we don’t spend together. Thank you so much for joining me today, The Constant Pressure In My Chest!

TCPIMC: No problem, friend! Happy to be here!

Me: Yes, that’s abundantly obvious.

TCPIMC: Wait, what?

Me: Ha, ha! Nothing. So, tell my readers a bit about yourself.

TCPIMC: Aw, little old me? Well, I’m not too different from your standard aches and pains. Nothing too special.

Me: Oh, now you’re just being modest. I think we all know THAT isn’t true!

TCPIMC: You’re making me blush. 😊

Me: There’s no need to undersell yourself. I happen to know there are a number of very special things about you. Here’s one. When we first met, I thought I’d get a little background info on you, you know, type your name into the Google.

TCPIMC: You Googled me? OMG, I’m so embarressed.

Me: Well, you can’t be too careful these days. There are a lot of wackadoos out there. Plus, I was curious.

TCPIMC: I know where this is going. It happens a lot, if you can believe it.

Me: Yeah, when I typed your name in my search bar, it said that you were a heart attack.

TCPIMC: I get mistaken for heart attacks a lot. But, I’m not one! Promise!

Me: I figured that out eventually. But, it would be helpful if you could have told me up front. Try something like, “Hey, guess what? I’m not a heart attack!” Maybe put it on your tinder profile so people don’t get confused? You might get more matches.

TCPIMC: Mystery is a big part of my appeal.

Me: 😑

TCPIMC: I’m just a scamp!

Me: There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. It’s not that the last few months haven’t been fun (they haven’t), but I’m starting to wonder if you and I just aren’t compatible.

TCPIMC: You don’t mean that! You love me. You’re always touching me.

Me: Yeah, that’s because you hurt. I prefer not to be the person massaging their own sternum all the time. It’s not a great look for me.

TCPIMC: Disagree.

Me: I’m sure you have lots of nice qualities, but you’re just too clingy. I’m already in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t give me panic attacks or acid reflux and he’s way sexier than you could ever be.

TCPIMC: Ouch, that hurts. But, you should probably know that I’m very into the idea of an open relationship. Wink Wink. Nudge Nudge.

Me: Ew.

TCPIMC: You’re emotionally vulnerable right now. You don’t know what you want. You’ve been hurt before by other symptoms of anxiety and you’re afraid to trust anyone new. But I am here for you. I will always be here for you. When you have to make a phone call. When you talk to the teller at the bank. When your credit card information is stolen. When you get pulled over. When you accidentally put your shirt on inside out. When you need to give a presentation. When the boiler goes out. When you have a nightmare. When deadlines approach. When someone breaks into your car. When you hit the publish button. When you post your artwork online or walk into that dance class. When you need to buy a Christmas present for someone who already has everything. I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. I LOVE YOU FOREVER, SARAH. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Me: *muppet-style flailing*

TCPIMC: You and me, baby. We’re going to make it.

Thanks for reading! Sarah is a freelancer who exists on twitter and instagram and redbubble.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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