A few notes from your Guardian Angel
Think of them as helpful hints.
Hi there! It’s me, your Guardian Angel!
Oh, there’s no need to genuflect or pee your pants in fear. Everything’s cool. You’re not going to die. At least, not right now. This is only an informal visit.
I just needed to get a few things off my perfectly sculpted chest.
Is it okay if I sit?
Is this grape Shasta up for grabs?
Here’s the thing. I’ve been watching you for a long time. Your whole life, actually. I’ve watched you poop your diaper, learn how to talk, graduate from high school, eat pasta with a spoon, fall asleep with your phone pressed into your face, and order delivery from a pizza shop that was literally next door. All those things were great.
But, I’ve also seen you ride your bike without a helmet, walk barefoot through a gas station and change a light bulb in your apartment WITHOUT TURNING THE LIGHT SWITCH OFF.
You aren’t the easiest human to guard.
And, while this conversation is highly irregular, there are a few things you could be doing to make my job a little less… demanding.
- This one is a biggie. You ready? Here goes. Please don’t text and drive. Every time I lose someone to texting and driving my picture gets published on the Heaven-O-Tron and all the other angels laugh and tweet mean things about me. If you’re determined to die in a fiery car crash, maybe you could try something more original, like driving with your feet? The other guardian angels might high five me for that one.
- This one is less of a life-and-death matter, but it’s very important to me. You play waaaay too much U2. Every time I hear the opening chords to “It’s A Beautiful Day” I wish St. Peter would show up and cut my ears off.
Are you paying attention? This is a very important list and it seems you aren’t listening at all. Could you stop making that same face you make every time Weird Al shows up on the tv screen?
I think I know what is happening.
I’m not attracted to you. This isn’t a City of Angels situation. Angels don’t stand around wanting to bone humans all the time. I’m in a serious, committed relationship with a domination from accounting and they know how to tickle me behind my neck and make cheesy pizza bites. Plus, I’ve seen the little puss bubbles that come out of your skin when you pick at your zits and I cannot fathom any angelic being being into that.
Back to the list.
- Did you know roughly 110,000 people a year die in bath or shower-related incidents? Can we maybe rethink those dance battles you perform against yourself during early morning showers? I suggest you turn off the music and focus on scrubbing a little better behind your ears.
- It’s pronounced fol-ee-aj.
- When you’re driving and you flick your boogers into the backseat? I see that. I see the little booger pile developing back there and the knowledge of it makes me want to murder you myself.
- I’ve been watching over you your whole life and I still haven’t figured out the answer to this question: What do you have against golden retrievers? God never created a more perfect creature and yet you shudder and avert your eyes every time one passes you on the street. I know for a fact you were never attacked by a golden retriever as a child. Your boyfriend never chose a golden retriever over you. You’re not allergic. A golden retriever never shit on your shoes or stole your bank card and used it to book a trip to Aruba. Why do you hate them? The mystery haunts me.
- You seem to forget that you don’t have the digestive system of a celestial being, one who is able to eat as many cheesy pizza bites as they wish. When you get food poisoning from eating unrefrigerated leftover street meat? I have to watch that. I do not like watching that. Leftovers should always be put in the refrigerator within two hours of cooking. ALWAYS. People die from eating unrefrigerated leftover street meat.
We are not going to get it on. No way. I have no interest in playing the upside down castanets with you. I already told you that. I know you’ve never seen anyone as hot as me, but the way you’re sizing me up right now makes me feel like a Burgermaster special with extra pickles and tater tots on the side.
Celestial beings are not turned on by puddles of human drool.
I hope you’re taking notes.
- Call your mother. Tell her to take her pills. She’s giving my friend Barachiel a hard time.
- Maybe be nicer to people in general? Dial back the road rage? Stop flipping off little old ladies when they cross the street in front of your car? You’d be surprised how many little old ladies carry hand guns in this part of town.
Okay. This has been great. I think I’m going to go back to being silent and invisible, because you’re making me very uncomfortable.
But, you should know that I’m quite the fan. Despite all this. It’s impressive how you managed to memorize every single Beatles song before the age of thirteen. Not a lot of humans do that.
It might seem like I’m being hard on you, but I’ve always wanted the best for you.
As a matter of fact, I’ll give you one more. A nice little bonus tip.
- You know how you’re always talking about how you want to read War and Peace? And how you want to try the molten fudge cake at Slappy’s Hot Time Grill? You’re gonna want to stop putting those things off. Do them today. Or tomorrow. Sometime in 2019 would be best.
No, I can’t tell you why.
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