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Graphic by Sarah

A few notes from your Guardian Angel

Think of them as helpful hints.

Hi there! It’s me, your Guardian Angel!

Oh, there’s no need to genuflect or pee your pants in fear. Everything’s cool. You’re not going to die. At least, not right now. This is only an informal visit.

I just needed to get a few things off my perfectly sculpted chest.

Is it okay if I sit?

Is this grape Shasta up for grabs?

Thanks.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Here’s the thing. I’ve been watching you for a long time. Your whole life, actually. I’ve watched you poop your diaper, learn how to talk, graduate from high school, eat pasta with a spoon, fall asleep with your phone pressed into your face, and order delivery from a pizza shop that was literally next door. All those things were great.

But, I’ve also seen you ride your bike without a helmet, walk barefoot through a gas station and change a light bulb in your apartment WITHOUT TURNING THE LIGHT SWITCH OFF.

You aren’t the easiest human to guard.

And, while this conversation is highly irregular, there are a few things you could be doing to make my job a little less… demanding.

Are you paying attention? This is a very important list and it seems you aren’t listening at all. Could you stop making that same face you make every time Weird Al shows up on the tv screen?

Oh no.

I think I know what is happening.

I’m not attracted to you. This isn’t a City of Angels situation. Angels don’t stand around wanting to bone humans all the time. I’m in a serious, committed relationship with a domination from accounting and they know how to tickle me behind my neck and make cheesy pizza bites. Plus, I’ve seen the little puss bubbles that come out of your skin when you pick at your zits and I cannot fathom any angelic being being into that.

Stop it.

Back to the list.

Stop it!

We are not going to get it on. No way. I have no interest in playing the upside down castanets with you. I already told you that. I know you’ve never seen anyone as hot as me, but the way you’re sizing me up right now makes me feel like a Burgermaster special with extra pickles and tater tots on the side.

Celestial beings are not turned on by puddles of human drool.

I hope you’re taking notes.

Okay. This has been great. I think I’m going to go back to being silent and invisible, because you’re making me very uncomfortable.

But, you should know that I’m quite the fan. Despite all this. It’s impressive how you managed to memorize every single Beatles song before the age of thirteen. Not a lot of humans do that.

It might seem like I’m being hard on you, but I’ve always wanted the best for you.

As a matter of fact, I’ll give you one more. A nice little bonus tip.

No, I can’t tell you why.

Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, think about maybe following me on twitter. Or not. That’s cool, too.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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