A List of Things You Can Do While Waiting For The Doctor To Call Back With Your Results
Not based on personal experience
- Write an article on Medium. Because you’re a grown up person who knows there’s no reason to get nervous about things you can’t control, so you might as well focus on something semi productive for a little while oh god oh god a spider probably laid eggs in my belly i bet i’m going to die tomorrow i don’t want to die i have so many more stupid articles i still want to write why did this happen to me i should have been nicer to my family.
- Bake some cookies! The smell of cookies tends to bring up all kinds of comforting memories, which will make you feel safe and protected like when you were a child why did i have to grow up grown up life is a den of bats with bat poop everywhere i miss the sunlight on my face i haven’t felt sunlight on my face since i was a child i’ve been dead inside since i turned 15 that’s why i can’t boil an egg properly i hope no one suspects anything.
- Take a walk around the block. Sitting and doing nothing can lead to too much thinking, so strap those shoes on your feet and step outside is this the last time i’ll see the sky what if i die before they even call me back what if i have a rare shrinking disease and i’m going to end up like a modern day tom thumb he was such a jerk i don’t want to be tiny i have so much more to offer than being tiny i knew i should have drank more milk instead of all that coffee.
- Get a massage. You heard that right! If you’re feeling stressed out, then go ahead and treat yourself. Nevermind that the idea of having someone else touch you makes you want to cover a pencil in bite marks and the only person you’ve ever really trusted is your stuffed dinosaur who loves you, everyone else can hurt you and all your fingernails might fall out from the mysterious wasting disease and your belly button will disappear but dino loves you dino won’t leave you.
- Call a friend and have a nice chat. Wait. Is this a serious list? Do people really call each other on the phone? Do other people really answer? Hah, that’s rich. You made me laugh!
- Internet stalk your nemisis. Yassssssssss my friend. This is what you should be doing. Has it been a few days since you checked in to see what they’re up to? Do you want to grit your teeth at their terrible taste in music? Now is the time! Let’s be honest, most of that other advice is hogwash, because it won’t do diddly to pass the time when you’re waiting for what’s certain to be good news. This is the real advice. Let’s all open a new browser window. Let’s all type their name in the google. Let’s all have some real fun.
BTW, if you’re out there Brienna and you happened upon this article while waiting for a call from your doctor, there are a few things you should know:
- I can still fit in my prom dress
- I live in a mansion with a swimming pool and a roller skating rink
- I do brunch with Emma Thompson every third Saturday when she’s in town
- I finally figured out how to pronounce “erroneous”.