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A Stereotypical Millennial Woman Enjoys Fall

Can you believe her nerve?

She pulls a cozy sweater out of her closet. It’s the color of sweet potatoes and made of lambswool. She pulls it over her head and lets out a happy sigh. “It feels like a hug!” she says.

She tosses cedar logs into the crackling fireplace, filling the room with a toasty scent. Pausing for a moment to take a photo for Instagram, she then sings an Irish ditty to herself. Her toes are so warm.

Later, when the sky grows dark and the rain begins to fall, she decides to bake a batch of sugar cookies. She rolls out the dough, then sprinkles on nutmeg and cinnamon before putting them in the oven. They come out moist and delicious.

In the morning she curls her hair before sticking a green beanie on her head.

At lunch she orders a pumpkin spice latte. Just after placing the order, she gives an uncomfortable giggle. “Does this make me basic?” she asks the barista.

She wears ghost-shaped earrings to celebrate the season.

She hacks into the National Defence Website and steals the nuclear codes.

She slips a kevlar vest beneath her corduroy jacket and meets her tinder date, who also happens to be a Russian spy. They share a butternut sundae at the local soda shop.

She packs up a case of military-grade weaponry and takes a weekend getaway to an undisclosed location.

She contacts her vast, underground network and puts out a hit on the Latvian ambassador.

She kidnaps the head of the CIA.

She aims the entire US weapons cache at Cuba and begins to laugh like Vincent Price.

She flips a big, cartoon switch to “off” and looks directly at the camera. “And that, my friends, is why you can’t trust anyone to be stereotypical these days.”

🙄

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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