A Stereotypical Millennial Woman Enjoys Fall
She pulls a cozy sweater out of her closet. It’s the color of sweet potatoes and made of lambswool. She pulls it over her head and lets out a happy sigh. “It feels like a hug!” she says.
Can you believe this beyach?
She tosses cedar logs into the crackling fireplace, filling the room with a toasty scent. Pausing for a moment to take a photo for Instagram, she then sings an Irish ditty to herself. Her toes are so warm.
Isn’t she the worst?
Later, when the sky grows dark and the rain begins to fall, she decides to bake a batch of sugar cookies. She rolls out the dough, then sprinkles on nutmeg and cinnamon before putting them in the oven. They come out moist and delicious.
Does she consider that cute?
In the morning she curls her hair before sticking a green beanie on her head.
I bet she watches romantic comedies unironically.
At lunch she orders a pumpkin spice latte. Just after placing the order, she gives an uncomfortable giggle. “Does this make me basic?” she asks the barista.
Yes. It makes you basic, betsy.
She wears ghost-shaped earrings to celebrate the season.
Is anyone impressed? I’m not impressed.
She hacks into the National Defence Website and steals the nuclear codes.
She slips a kevlar vest beneath her corduroy jacket and meets her tinder date, who also happens to be a Russian spy. They share a butternut sundae at the local soda shop.
That doesn’t count as a personality.
She packs up a case of military-grade weaponry and takes a weekend getaway to an undisclosed location.
She contacts her vast, underground network and puts out a hit on the Latvian ambassador.
OMG, Betsy! What are you doing? Stop!
She kidnaps the head of the CIA.
I’m sorry! I take it back! You aren’t basic at all! Please put the head of the CIA back where you found him. I don’t want this! I don’t want this at all! I just want to listen to a nice jazz album and watch the leaves fall! I want cozy socks and green tea and sweaters that feel like hugs.
She aims the entire US weapons cache at Cuba and begins to laugh like Vincent Price.
BETSY, NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD SANDWICHES THERE! ALSO MILLIONS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE! I’M SORRY I MADE FUN OF YOU!!!! DON’T DO IT!
She flips a big, cartoon switch to “off” and looks directly at the camera. “And that, my friends, is why you can’t trust anyone to be stereotypical these days.”
Oh, look. She’s moralizing. How predictable. 🙄