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A Stupid Think Piece on Love Actually

Because that’s what we’re all supposed to do this time of year, right?

In case you haven’t heard of it, Love Actually is a movie where a bunch of British actors take part in various scenes centered on the theme of “Straight Love During the Holidays, But Depressing” and for some reason every single writer on the internet is contractually obligated to write a think piece about it every December, so HERE IT IS INTERNET. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. 😑

Keep in mind, I am a traitor to my gender, as I don’t watch this movie every time the holidays roll around.

I haven’t seen it in 6ish years, so if you want an article based on recent observations of the film, you might want to go somewhere else. (The only movie I watch every year is the true holiday masterpiece: Muppet Christmas Carol. Deal with it.)

Let’s start with Colin Firth. Colin Firth is sad and I’m okay with that, because a sad Colin Firth is someone we all want to comfort. Really, the movie should have just stuck with that. (There’s a LOT going on in this movie and trimming it down would have helped me remember it better). Instead, he falls in love with someone he can’t talk to. The internet tends to be very annoyed about this. I am also annoyed, but mainly because there’s a missed opportunity to go a little further down the path with this particular story, having him go to all the effort of learning to speak her language, then discovering the only thing she ever wants to talk about is bitcoin.

MISSED OPPORTUNITY, LOVE ACTUALLY.

Also, I seem to remember that Hugh Grant is the Prime Minister, which was a hilarious concept back in 2003. Now I find myself thinking, “Yeah, I’d vote for Hugh Grant. I’m not sure what any of his political opinions are, but they can’t be that bad, can they?” But I’d vote for a pug at this point if it wore a patriotic bowtie.

Liam Neeson is wandering through various scenes and he is not shooting anyone or impaling their kneecaps with screwdrivers.

Another missed opportunity.

For some reason young Bilbo Baggins is hanging out doing porn stuff. I can’t imagine why Tolkien left that out of The Hobbit, but I’m glad this movie corrected it. (Wonder if that’s why they call it Bag End, eh?)

I’m sure about now you’re wondering why you didn’t read some other Love Actually think piece. Since there are approximately 6,700,341,099,444,121,000,677,060 of them to choose from. Well, tough titties! You’re here now and we’re going to suffer through this thing together, like it or not.

(This is also how I felt while watching Love Actually.)

Kiera Knightly has a stalker, which, whatever, this movie is so boring, except her stalker is Rick Grimes, which seems fairly on brand for him. I would pay so much money for zombies to enter the film at this point.

Then Emma Thompson sweeps through and does the thing she does where she breaks the hearts of everyone within 50 feet of the screen and we all walk around as hollow shells for the rest of our lives. THANKS SO MUCH, EMMA. You already had your Oscar. You didn’t need to destroy humanity.

At the end of the movie there’s a scene where you get to be dazzled at how everyone was connected all along, because everything in life is connected. Except Emma Thompson already broke your heart and IT CAN’T BE PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN THAT QUICKLY, STUPID MOVIE.

And a film that was supposed to make you feel like the holidays are hopeful leaves you wondering if all love is temporary and the only moments that matter are the ones where we’re forced together through some sense of social obligation, to smile and hug each other while the music plays, when we know all along we’ll return to the empty silence of our homes and the long years ahead where we slowly grow older and older, our bodies falling apart as everyone we pretended to love dies.

But I think there’s maybe a cheerful song at the end that they made a lot of money off of, so that’s good.

Also, I wasn’t sure where to fit this in, but it’s annoying that Alan Rickman managed to be so hot in this movie when he’s clearly the villain. That didn’t mess me up or anything.

In conclusion, Love Actually is a movie where things happen. It isn’t great and it isn’t terrible, it’s just a dumb movie from 2003 and I wish I didn’t have to write about it, but this is the path I’ve chosen in life and there’s a cost to that. If you’re thinking about watching it this year, may I suggest instead putting on A Muppet Christmas Carol, a far superior movie where Kermit ice skates and sings with penguins.

Thanks for reading! Sarah is a freelancer who exists on twitter and instagram and redbubble.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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