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A Zombie’s Guide to Death, Destruction, and Happiness in the Emerald City

grrrr (drool) chomp chomp

While aimless ambling is a popular choice with most unholy hordes, an enterprising zombie can find success and fulfillment with a more intentional approach. After all, some cities offer deeply hospitable environments within which to moan and wreak havoc.

Are you a prowling corpse looking to relocate? I recommend casting your empty eye sockets on the home of pickle ball, grumpy music, and obscenely-shaped shellfish. Under the right circumstances, Seattle can be a zombie playland. Here’s how to make it yours:

Work with the terrain, and not against it

A challenging aspect of Seattle is that it is covered in hills. Furthermore, the tasty snacks who inhabit this irregular terrain tend to be very into hiking, which means they dart away uphill at a ridiculous pace to get away from any snarling pursuers.

As you know, zombies aren’t at their fastest when they’re shuffling uphill. Well, wipe that discouraged expression off your rotting face. To get your teeth on those Seattleites, simply try one of these three strategies:

• Hunt in packs so you can more easily surround your meal
• Start at the top of a hill, so the only direction your meal can travel is downward
• Simply hang out at the REI, and your meal will come to you

You’ll be chewing on those sweet, overdeveloped hiker calves in no time.

Eat your breakfast after your breakfast has already had its morning coffee

Not only is Seattle the birthplace of Starbucks, but there’s also an independent coffee shop on every corner. Most of the humans populating the city are propelled entirely by caffeine.

Caffeine has a strong effect on living organisms, but it’s even more magical when combined with undead piles of shambling bones. How do you think we got super-duper fast zombies, like the ones in Train to Busan? Coffee.

I recommend waiting outside a local coffee shop in the early morning, and feeding on the brains of every fast-talking…