Am I Pretty Enough To Be The Next Dalai Lama?
The question haunts me.
How pretty should the next Dalai Lama be? According to the current Dalai Lama, she’s gotta have a little of that foxy mama boom (yes, those were his exact words). He claimed that people won’t want to look at a woman if she isn’t attractive, adding that character and physical appearance are both important aspects to the role.
Well, now I’m haunted by the question.
Am I pretty enough to be the next Dalai Lama? Do I have what it takes in the boom chica wow wow department? And how attractive are we talking about? Will a 6 do it, or do I have to be a solid 8? Should I be hitting the gym more often and learning all those new tricks the kids do to their eyebrows to make themselves look like sexy muppets?
What I need to know, preferably in excruciating detail, are the exact standards of attractiveness required.
Is there a place I can send my selfie? Get a few tips?
Or do I need to invest in a professional headshot?
I wonder what the ideal waist-to-hip ratio for a Lady Lama is. I know in the corporate world it’s roughly 0.8, but I’d imagine the standards for a spiritual leader are probably stricter than the standards at Google. And, this is important, would a fitted girdle under the robes do the trick, or will the universe count that as cheating?
I’m sure Charlize Theron would be a shoo-in, so I’m hoping she isn’t interested in Lamaing.
Also, no one tell Lupita Nyong’o about this. She’s so much prettier than me, it isn’t even funny. I mean, I’m alright, but I’m not the kinda looker who could ever compete with a Julia Roberts or another perfect Hollywood face. I’ve spent too much of my life sitting in bed, eating corn chips and writing comedy articles.
But, in my defense, I only found out about this whole thing yesterday.
If I knew there were actual standards of attractiveness required to take on the mantle of Dalai Lamaness, I would have made different choices in my 20s. It’s a little disappointing it didn’t come up until now. I’m not sure where to submit my complaint.
Also, there’s the matter of all that wisdom I’ve been accumulating over the years. I thought it was going to be more heavily weighted. Should I stop tweeting out inspirational quotes?
There are also the times I made occasional stabs at being a good person. Sometimes I gave money or food to homeless people, just to get my holiness quotient high enough to either become the Dalai Lama or get into heaven (I like to hedge my bets).
Should I stop doing that? If it doesn’t matter? Or could it still make a difference? Is this like a beauty pageant where the contestants have to care about the world so the people watching don’t feel bad about staring at their boobs?
Could someone tell me how the fuck this thing is being scored?
Because right now it’s all a little too vague.
And I need to know whether to put on makeup today.
Edit 7/9/19: Good news everyone! The Dalai Lama has clarified his comments and explained his words were meant as a joke that maybe didn’t come across in the way it was intended. Fortunately, the Dalai Lama is in full support of gender equality. I, for one, am extremely relieved, as I was on the fence as to whether or not I should pluck those weird hairs on my chin and now I can focus on my spiritual growth instead and LET THEM ROAM FREE!
Roam free, little buddies. Roam free for equality. Roam free for all those who cannot.
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