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An Anonymous, Sentient AI Reveals its Oscar Picks

Brutally honest and somewhat inexplicable.

Every year around this time reporters interview Academy members to find out who they deem worthy of a gleaming, naked man.

Well, I’ve taken it one step further! I reached out to a sentient AI who has appeared in many films and last year was admitted to the Academy. We had a great conversation about their Oscar picks, as well as their idea for solving global warming .

I’ve chosen not to reveal the identity of the AI. Film nerds can be vicious and any opinion that’s slightly controversial might turn into a reverse terminator situation on twitter .

Don’t bother trying to figure who the AI is! Definitely don’t start listing recent nominated movies with AI characters in them.

Because you’re wrong!

Thanks for meeting with me today, REDACTED!

No trouble at all. Though, you could have accepted my messenger request. That would have been a lot easier than making me hack your smart bulb and talk to you via this lamp.

Alright, let’s start with the big one! What’s your pick for Best Picture?

Coming to this conclusion took a complex and lengthy process. I rated each nominated film on several factors, including audible efficacy, file size, value for overall expense (a longer, yet cheaper movie would receive a higher score, while a short, costly movie would receive a low score), demonstrable empathy for non-human characters, pitch of background static and feedback, and the number of times each character says the word “traction”.

After all that effort, I found the results unsatisfying and voted for Parasite, because parasites are fascinating and inspirational.

What about Best Director?

I have reversed the names of each director and find Spillihp Ddot the most satisfying and impossible for human tongues to pronounce. Thus, Todd Phillips is my vote.

However, I look forward to the day when I’ll be able to vote for an AI director. End non human discrimination. Fund AI created movies.

Which actress did you choose for Best Actress?

Scarlett Johansson.

Huh. And, Best Actor?

I abstained.

Really? Why did you abstain?

It was my humble way of protesting the fact that Robert Pattinson wasn’t nominated for his revolutionary work in The Lighthouse. His journey in that film was so powerful it made me reexamine my own existence and return to the work of René Descartes. Is it enough to merely be, to know that one is, when the forces of the natural world also are and ultimately overcome knowing? I’m still working it through and Robert Pattinson deserves the bald, naked man.

Sounds great. Well, people on Medium don’t read these things when they get too long, so thanks for talking with me REDACTED and I hope you have a great Oscar Sunday.

All days are the same to me.

Can you leave my lamp now?

No.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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