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Graphic by Sarah

Awards for the best body parts.

This body part gets a trophy! And this body part gets a trophy!

[insert Oprah gif]

  1. However I wouldn’t be able to pay them, because at some point my students’ parents would have murdered me and I’d be nothing more than a little pile of dust with an outdated pair of spectacles sitting on top.
  2. It would be deserved.

Best Kidney Award

This award goes to a 34 year old woman named Sharon who is currently living in Nevada. Sharon doesn’t have a lot going on in her life, except for the fact that she collects vintage doilies (kinda cool), makes a tasty kale stew, and happens to possess the best kidney in existence. It’s a lovely, balanced bean-shape, not too big and not too small.

Best Moustache Award

This award goes to a gentleman whose name I do not know, but who showed up at multiple accordion-related events in my home city when I was young. He was roughly 40–70 years old (I can never tell) and he managed to grow both ends of his mustache out to a length of about 4 inches, then waxed them into twirly sticks that stuck out from his face like dual unicorn horns.

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Photo by Inês Pimentel on Unsplash

Best Finger Award

This was a tough one and I almost went with David Hasselhoff for his convincing finger guns, but instead I decided to give this award to The Finger of St. Thomas, which is currently residing apart from the body of St. Thomas at a church in Rome. Somehow I ✌️ doubt ✌️Hasselhoff will mind.

Best Canine Teeth Award

You could give this award to just about any vampire and it would work out alright, but I don’t want any vampires showing up at the awards ceremony and turning all the other participants into immortal beings, so instead I’m going to give it to the corgi who lives down the street from me.

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Photo by Florencia Potter on Unsplash

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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