Awards for the best body parts.
This body part gets a trophy! And this body part gets a trophy!
[insert Oprah gif]
I know it’s easy to get overwhelmed and horrified by all the news out there these days. Sometimes you just want to hide beneath a blanket with your teddy bear and a big bag of spicy tacos. I relate, really I do, but I’m going to need you to forget all of that and allow yourself to get overwhelmed and horrified by this particular news story: HERE.
Because I want to write a funny thing about it. And that is more important than your trauma.
The article summary:
A cheerleading coach thought it would be super fun and not at all emotionally scarring to hand out awards TO TEENAGERS for things like “Big Booty”, “Big Boobie” and “String Bean”. (I know I make a lot of things up for the sake of humor, but I am not making this up. You can tell, because it isn’t funny.)
What is funny is to imagine what would have happened to me if, over the course of my career as a dance teacher, I decided to try this ritual out on my own students. There are a few things I could expect:
- I’d get a lot of therapy bills mailed to me and, to be fair, I’d probably need to pay them.
- However I wouldn’t be able to pay them, because at some point my students’ parents would have murdered me and I’d be nothing more than a little pile of dust with an outdated pair of spectacles sitting on top.
- It would be deserved.
Because us ladies already get chopped up into body parts all the time. Occasionally it’s a serial killer reducing us into piles, but more often it’s cameras or conversations doing the division. Turns out, we mostly don’t enjoy being treated like a puzzle box of pieces where assembly is optional and our entire value could depend on one piece.
It’s especially rough for teenagers who haven’t yet developed the thick layer of cynicism that allows women to exist in the world without setting everything on fire. Part of being a teen is learning to grow that layer, but at that point it isn’t thick enough to keep all the barbs out. The ones that get through can embed themselves in the psyche for years and years.
So, if there’s a moral to this article, it’s not to give awards to people’s body parts. Hopefully you all can manage that.
But, that said, I’m going to give some awards to people’s body parts.
Best Kidney Award
This award goes to a 34 year old woman named Sharon who is currently living in Nevada. Sharon doesn’t have a lot going on in her life, except for the fact that she collects vintage doilies (kinda cool), makes a tasty kale stew, and happens to possess the best kidney in existence. It’s a lovely, balanced bean-shape, not too big and not too small.
Of course, we’re only talking about the left kidney here. Sharon’s right kidney is trash.
Best Moustache Award
This award goes to a gentleman whose name I do not know, but who showed up at multiple accordion-related events in my home city when I was young. He was roughly 40–70 years old (I can never tell) and he managed to grow both ends of his mustache out to a length of about 4 inches, then waxed them into twirly sticks that stuck out from his face like dual unicorn horns.
I have no idea if this man is still sporting his double horn mustache, or even still alive, but regardless, he certainly deserves this award and all other mustache/facial hair awards forever. His patience and dedication should be an inspiration to us all.
Best Finger Award
This was a tough one and I almost went with David Hasselhoff for his convincing finger guns, but instead I decided to give this award to The Finger of St. Thomas, which is currently residing apart from the body of St. Thomas at a church in Rome. Somehow I ✌️ doubt ✌️Hasselhoff will mind.
Best Canine Teeth Award
You could give this award to just about any vampire and it would work out alright, but I don’t want any vampires showing up at the awards ceremony and turning all the other participants into immortal beings, so instead I’m going to give it to the corgi who lives down the street from me.
Mostly because he’s such a good boy.
These are only a few awards and there are lots more body parts out there. If this takes off, I can envision giving out a bunch more awards and maybe even making this some kind of yearly event with mimosas and body part-themed appetizers. We could put together a playlist of songs about body parts.
But, in the meantime, remember that it isn’t nice to judge people based on their body parts and it definitely isn’t nice to compare people’s body parts to each other. Humans are so much more than a collection of parts!
Oooh, I should do an award for best nose hair. That would be fun. Any suggestions?