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Illustrations by author

Exciting Job Opportunities for Those Lazy, Arctic Animals

Now that we’re drilling Alaska, they can finally earn their keeps.

The Interior Secretary has finally given the green light to companies eager to suck the oil out of Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. For years that oil has just been sitting there, unextracted, like a greasy tease. Granola crunchers and Prius drivers wearing hemp pants have made a lot of noise about how, “this will forever compromise and endanger the animals who call this area home.” But they wear deodorant made out of bog juice, so no one should listen to them (or stand near them).

Assistant Driller Dall Sheep

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See that look of soulless determination? That’s what makes him a great assistant.

Security Polar Bear

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It might be hard to find a large enough uniform.

Medic Wolverine

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It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot.

Environmental Impact Assessor Snow Goose

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Bonus — snow geese always look slightly annoyed.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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