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Illustrations by author

Exciting Job Opportunities for Those Lazy, Arctic Animals

Now that we’re drilling Alaska, they can finally earn their keeps.

The Interior Secretary has finally given the green light to companies eager to suck the oil out of Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. For years that oil has just been sitting there, unextracted, like a greasy tease. Granola crunchers and Prius drivers wearing hemp pants have made a lot of noise about how, “this will forever compromise and endanger the animals who call this area home.” But they wear deodorant made out of bog juice, so no one should listen to them (or stand near them).

Arctic creatures have had a free ride for far too long, living “off-the-grid” and refusing to participate in the glories of capitalism like other, happier animals, such as carriage horses and milk cows. Once drilling reaches the refuge, there are going to be all kinds of exciting job opportunities for enterprising wildlife. I’ll bet, when they put their paws, hooves and claws to it, there’s no limit to the revenue they can generate.

Assistant Driller Dall Sheep

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See that look of soulless determination? That’s what makes him a great assistant.

Dall Sheep are nimble and quick creatures, though they aren’t always the brightest mammals in the wilderness. Dall Sheep wouldn’t make great primary drillers, but they have all the qualities necessary to make adequate assistant drillers, or assistants to the drillers, if you prefer. They are also very photogenic, so they will look nice in the glossy brochures we’re planning on getting printed. For some reason our human assistant drillers have a tendency to look a little disgruntled.

Security Polar Bear

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It might be hard to find a large enough uniform.

Polar Bears are enormous and extremely dangerous, making them a natural fit for the role of security officer. Every drilling site needs a dedicated security team to protect them from thieves, crazed Greenpeace hippies and bad press. A team of polar bears lining the perimeter would ensure no one ever gets up to illegal shenanigans on the property. Otherwise they might find themselves served for lunch on a pupu platter alongside an assortment of bearded seals.

Medic Wolverine

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It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot.

Wolverines are fierce and determined creatures, capable of devouring adult deer and many other creatures both alive and dead. I’m not sure why this qualifies them for the role of medic, but the position was open and no humans with medical training were willing to work for the available wage. So, wolverines it is! There’s no way putting bloodthirsty skunk bears in charge of medical services will backfire.

Environmental Impact Assessor Snow Goose

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Bonus — snow geese always look slightly annoyed.

Someone needs to make sure the immaculate wild lands of Alaska aren’t mucked up too much. It’s legally required, or whatever. Snow geese have loud, annoying voices so they’re not all that different from previous, human environmental impact assessors. The good thing about snow geese is that they can be bribed with willows and sedges, both of which are cheaper than gift cards to Target and dinners at fancy steakhouses.

Done well, this can work to everyone’s advantage and we can all get back to complaining about things that really matter, such as the fact that the post office is allowed to sit there like a jerk, not making any money at all.

Thank you for reading my first, official, illustrated comedy piece! I hope you enjoyed it. For more stuff I’m on twitter and I have a newsletter.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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