Fall in Love! A Totally Not Creepy Singles Event!
Hey there, Lonely-Hearted, Single Cupcake! Is it too quiet sitting by yourself on that plate? Are you looking for your swirl of frosting? (Or, sprinkling of sprinkles, if that’s more to your taste.)
I bet you’re tired of doing laundry for one. I bet your socks would love to tangle themselves up in someone else’s undershirts.
Do you find the heart emojis in your phone are woefully underused? You text 🤔 all day long, but never a single 😘.
Are you tired of emails from your Great Aunt Irma offering to introduce you to the person who delivers her anchovy pizza each week (with the caveat that you could totally instruct them on the power of deodorant if the two of you ever made it to item-ville)?
Then this Event is for you!
Finally you can experience love and stop feeling like a pebble in the stocking of life. Finally you can share a Facebook account with another person who isn’t your dog.
This Thursday evening at the Elk Lodge and Iguana Holding Tank off Exit 23, we’re holding the Totally Not Creepy Singles Event of your dreams. You know what? Scratch that last part. You wouldn’t even know how to start dreaming about this. That’s how magical and not creepy it’s going to be.
Sure, you’re nervous.
Sure, you’re not sure about the clowns.
But love is a game for the bold. Put on the flowered skirt or plaid bowler hat that’ve been hiding in the back of your closet for twelve years. Powder your pink little nose and put concealer on all your adult acne. Unleash the sexual prowess you’ve been keeping in a box in the back of your garage.
Thursday is Your Night.
Come to the Totally Not Creepy Singles Event and you are GUARANTEED to find your soulmate. No, this is not hyperbole. Your soulmate will be there. Standing by the plate of cold bologna and warm beans with sweat staining the pits of their polo shirt (the air conditioning at the Elk Lodge and Iguana Holding Tank off Exit 23 can be hit or miss).
They’re waiting for you now.
Even though it’s only Wednesday.
And the event isn’t until Thursday.
They’re just that excited.
At last you can experience true love, the only thing that makes life worth living (aside from mint gelato). At last you can navigate the world with a charming creature on your arm, demonstrating to all interested parties your own mental stability and sexual desirability. After all, everyone knows that single people are crazy. Couples, on the other hand, are cogs in the great patchwork quilt of humanity, keeping the seams straight without torn threads or loud, phlegmy coughing fits.
You and your soulmate can even make babies together! No one is as sane as a parent.
So, we better see you at Thursday’s Totally Not Creepy Singles Event. We wouldn’t want to have to track you down, tie you up and drive you there ourselves. Because that’s a lot of work!
And this is for your own good.
You’re only getting older. And there’s nothing sadder than a single person dying alone. Especially not when you can die with (or at the hands of) your soulmate!
See you on Thursday!
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