Illustration by Sarah Lofgren

Getting Cozy

If I’m an expert at anything, it’s the fine art of cozification

Being alive can be stressful. Some days you go outside and the sun beats down on your face, shining in your eyes and making your armpits sweat. Other days the rain falls on your head and makes your hair look stupid. There are the cringe-inducing moments when other humans try to talk to you. Cars honk their horns and your friends expect you to hang out on Friday night. Don’t even get me started on politicians! Or money! Or the ever-present danger of grizzly bears on our streets! No wonder everyone is anxious all the time!

But there’s an antidote to this woe.

Maybe it’s time for you to become an expert in the ancient art of getting cozy.

(No I’m not using the word “hygge”. What do you think this is? Some sort of clickbait article? I am here to change your life, not spout Danish words at you. Danish people eat SALTED LICORICE ON PURPOSE. We’re not going to listen to them about cozifying our lives.)

Scenario #1:

Your boss calls you into the office to inform you that one of your clients complained about not being able to contact you outside of work hours. What do you do?

An Option: Tell your boss it’s no big deal and you’ll apologize to the client and give them all your personal numbers as well as the number for your partner, in case you’re taking a bath or something. Promise to also add the client on snapchat.

A Cozier Option: While your boss is talking, pull your sustainably-sourced cashmere turtleneck up all the way over your head and create a feather-soft canopy where you can hide from your boss and all your feelings. Slide your feet out of your shoes (shoes are prisons for feet) and tuck your legs beneath your sweater. Rock gently back and forth while singing Toora Loora Loora to yourself.

Scenario #2:

You walk into your favorite coffee shop and there’s a huge line of people ahead of you. They are wearing North Face and talking loudly about their investment portfolios.

An Option: Wait in line while quietly seething to yourself. When you finally get to the front of the line, weep as your barista tells you that the building has been purchased by an investment firm and will be knocked down in three weeks to make room for a seven floor monstrosity with 40 mini condos, no parking and a Starbucks on the ground floor. (Yes I live in Seattle. Wat?)

The Cozy Option: Murder can be cozy if performed with a handmade, hatchet with a handle of virgin oak you purchased off Etsy. Can I recommend a soundtrack of sigur rós to accompany the carnage? Give your barista an extra large tip when you’re done. Generosity to people working in the service industry is also very cozy.

Photo by Jason Abdilla on Unsplash

The sad fact is that cozignition doesn’t come naturally to a lot of people. We’re trained to always put others first. But once you begin to coziform your life, you’ll find that you actually have more energy to spend on others. Or tattooing mustaches on people! I don’t judge! I’m too busy being cozy.

Here are a few concrete steps you can take to transform your life into an idyllic, cozioasis.

  • Put pictures of otters up all over your living space. Use nice frames. Nothing is cozier than an otter.
  • Put on socks. You know the ones.
  • Develop a thin, wispy voice that allows you to say things like, “oh, the fabergé is in the armoire” without sounding like a fraud.
  • Buy a candle. Photograph the candle. Post a picture of the candle on Instagram and tag it #cozyflame.
  • Don’t take anyone’s bullshit. Taking people’s bullshit is decidedly anticozy.
  • Turn up the heat in your apartment until you can close your eyes and imagine you’re at a tropical beach, lying in a hammock and gently swaying in the breeze. But don’t go to the beach. Real beaches have sharks.
  • Drink a cup of tea every time you feel the coziness threatening to slip away. Yes, this can be a lot of tea. Invest your money in a tea company.

Commit fully to cozicration and you’ll be astonished by all the things you can ignore. Life will begin to look like a nap-scented instagram filter and I promise things like “paying taxes” or “interacting with other human beings” won’t seem quite as oppressive or necessary as they did before.

Hugs, kisses and cozigrations!

Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, consider following me on twitter. But only if you’re strong enough.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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