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Graphic by Sarah Lofgren and inspired by characters created by Marvel

Guys, I was sick of waiting for Avengers: Endgame to come out

So I wrote it.

It’s been almost a year and Avengers: Endgame still isn’t out in theaters. Uuuuggggghhhhh. In a year filled with agonizing things, waiting to find out what happens next in the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been the most agonizing by far.

So, I went ahead and put together a little script for the movie. It’s good you might not even need to watch Endgame!

❗️

INT. STARK INDUSTRIES (DOES THIS STILL EXIST? DID IT BLOW UP? I FORGET) — NIGHT

BLACK WIDOW: Thanks everyone for joining me today. I called you here because I wanted to make a statement. I’ve been in therapy (with one of the therapists who didn’t die during the snappening) and through that process I came to realize that I am not broken. Womenhood means many things. It’s not solely defined by motherhood. And, hey, I might adopt kids one day, or I might not. Either way, I’m feeling extremely actualized and I needed everyone to know that.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I thought we were going to talk about how everyone is dead now.

HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): OMG, that again? It’s all we ever talk about.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I mean, it’s kind of a big deal that half of our friends, not to mention everyone in the universe, died.

HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): Yeah, I totally get that, but it’s not deal. Has anyone noticed how it’s much easier to get a good seat on the bus? I used to have to stand for my entire commute, but now I can get a great spot by a window most days. I just chill out with my podcasts and it’s kinda nice.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I never thought I’d say this, but I wish you were angrier about all this.

PEGGY CARTER’S GHOST: (whispering)

INT. SPACESHIP — DAY? NIGHT? IS THERE TIME IN SPACE?

STARK (V.O.): When I was a child, my mother never told me she loved me. I grew to believe I was stronger without love, that I smelled better without love and was smarter without love. Then I found GWYNETH PALTROW and she taught me that all a lonely boy needs to save the world is an organic butt scrub made of activated charcol and an overly complicated AI with a British accent. But all of that is gone. I am a child again. Without love. Without meaning. I wish this scene was in a prestige drama and not a comic book movie, because then I would definitely get an Oscar for it. I wonder if I’ll ever get an Oscar. Are you crying? I can see death waiting for me around the corner. It’s so strange. Death looks like my mother. Why wasn’t I good enough for you, mother?

INT. WAKANDA MAIN PALACE — DAY

SHURI: I am beginning to have doubts about these Avengers.

OKOYE: That’s understandable.

SHURI: “Let us worry about it,” they said. “We’ll come up with some kind of fix for this,” they said. But it’s been like five months and everyone is still dead. What are they doing over there? Playing Yahtzee?

OKOYE: It’s not wise to count on superheros. They get distracted so easily by big paychecks and twitter. If anyone is going to fix this, it’s us. That’s why I have a plan.

SHURI: I love a good plan.

INT. THE QUANTUM REALM — DAY

CAPTAIN MARVEL: Hey there!

ANT-MAN: Are you a delusion?

CAPTAIN MARVEL: That’s an interesting question. How would I know if I was a delusion?

ANT-MAN: Tell me something I don’t know.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: How smart are you?

ANT-MAN: Not terribly smart.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: Do you know about exponents?

ANT-MAN: Is that a band?

CAPTAIN MARVEL: God, I hope I’m not your delusion, because that would make me pretty pathetic. Anyhow, let’s get out of this Quantum Realm!

ANT-MAN: Okay. It’s not like I have anything else to do.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: Cool! The world needs saving.

ANT-MAN: Again?

CAPTAIN MARVEL: People probably wouldn’t watch if we were trying to start a knitting club for eighty six movies.

ANT-MAN: I bet there are a few weirdos out there who would enjoy that. (looks meaningfully at camera)

THOR: This is pretty trippy.

ANT-MAN: Hey! Thor!

THOR: Have we met?

ANT-MAN: Actually, I don’t remember. There have been of movies.

CAPTAIN MARVEL: We need to get out of the Quantum Realm!

THOR: I can only do that if I take my shirt off. It’s in my contract.

ANT-MAN and CAPTAIN MARVEL: Nice.

INT. STARK INDUSTRIES — DAY

HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): Maybe we should do something about all this sexual tension between us.

BLACK WIDOW: Like a tender kiss on the balcony before we agree it would be better for us to remain apart for the rest of our lives for some bullshit reason so we can exchange longing glances across the room and drive everyone else crazy?

HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): That’s exactly what I had in mind.

BLACK WIDOW: Nice.

EXT. A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE — DAY

THANOS: So. Bored.

INT. RANDOM SPACESHIP — DAY? NIGHT? I STILL HAVEN’T WORKED OUT HOW TIME WORKS IN SPACE AND HOW A SCREENWRITER IS SUPPOSED TO NOTATE IT. DOES ANYONE KNOW? CAN YOU LET ME KNOW? ISN’T IT JUST ALWAYS NIGHT?

ROCKET THE RACCOON: Why do there have to be so many damn characters in this universe? Half of them disappeared in the snappening and yet there are still like a million people wandering around. How could anyone write a coherent screenplay with all these plot lines? It’s impossible. Also, I am very sad.

ROCKET THE RACCOON: Time for a nice little rescue mission. Let’s see what kinda tuna is hiding in this can.

ROCKET THE RACCOON: I heard he wanted out of the Marvel universe, but this is still very tragic.

NEBULA: Hi there! I’m still alive! You should probably include me in the screenplay.

STAN LEE: I’m here, too!

AUDIENCE: (bursts into tears)

INT. STARK INDUSTRIES — NIGHT

CAPTAIN AMERICA: How long is this movie?

PEGGY CARTER’S GHOST: (whispering)

There’s a crashing noise as someone flies through the window and the glass shatters. It’s WONDER WOMAN.

WONDER WOMAN: Is it okay if I hang out with you guys? I’ve been watching the movies and you seem a lot cooler than the maniacs in my cinematic universe.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I guess so. Do you know how to play Yahtzee?

EXT. A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE — DAY

THANOS is still sitting on the porch. He’s playing a game of cat’s cradle, but the string keeps getting caught in his infinity gauntlet.

THANOS: Dammit.

HAWKEYE: For what you did to my friends, you deserve to die.

THANOS: (looks wearily at HAWKEYE) Do you realize that I am very strong and could easily murder you right now?

HAWKEYE: But you won’t.

THANOS: Why not?

HAWKEYE: Because I replaced your string with Nitronium Plutroflius, a magical element we teased in a post credits scene ten movies ago. It renders your arms completely useless when I push this button. (pushes button)

THANOS: (tries to move hands) Shit.

HAWKEYE: That’s right. Eat my farts, warthogface. (shoots THANOS)

THANOS: (dies)

HAWKEYE: Eat my farts, warthogface? That’s the best I can do?

SHURI: What have you done???

HAWKEYE: I killed the bad guy. You’re welcome.

OKOYE: You idiot! Now we’ll never undo the snappening!

HAWKEYE: What?

OKOYE: (speaking slowly as if to a child) We figured out how to undo the snappening. But, for it to work, we need Thanos alive.

HAWKEYE: Oopsies.

SHURI: I have an idea.

SHURI: Maybe he doesn’t need to be alive. Perhaps we can stimulate the nerves in his hand enough that we can trick the gauntlet.

HAWKEYE: But how will that help?

OKOYE: What we need to do is create a reverse snap. If we can get THANOS’S hand to do a reverse snap, the gauntlet will undo all the damage that was done by the first snap.

HAWKEYE: (trying to snap his fingers in reverse) Is that even possible?

SHURI: We have to try!

HAWKEYE: Oh, yes. Sorry. Let me turn that off.

SHURI: Please, please!

EVERYONE: I’m alive!

HAWKEYE: That was almost easy!

OKOYE: Party in the Quantum Realm!

INT. THE QUANTUM REALM — DAY

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I kinda missed having a big battle scene at the end.

BLACK WIDOW: Sarah felt this post was already way too long and no one would want to read descriptions of a bunch of people punching each other.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: I guess that’s fine. Do you know how to do the Lindy Hop?

BLACK WIDOW: No.

THE END

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Photo by Greyson Joralemon on Unsplash

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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