Guys, I was sick of waiting for Avengers: Endgame to come out
So I wrote it.
It’s been almost a year and Avengers: Endgame still isn’t out in theaters. Uuuuggggghhhhh. In a year filled with agonizing things, waiting to find out what happens next in the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been the most agonizing by far.
So, I went ahead and put together a little script for the movie. It’s so good you might not even need to watch Endgame!
Warning, if you haven’t seen Avengers: Infinity War, or other Marvel films, this post is going to be smearing spoilers around with gleeful abandon. Proceed with caution.
Also, another disclaimer: I do not own any rights to these characters. This post was written as a loving homage/parody and is not meant to be taken seriously. Please don’t sue me, Marvel. I am poor.
INT. STARK INDUSTRIES (DOES THIS STILL EXIST? DID IT BLOW UP? I FORGET) — NIGHT
A small group of remaining Avengers have… assembled. They look tired and older than the last time we saw them. The group consists of BLACK WIDOW, CAPTAIN AMERICA, HULK, and a few other people who didn’t die and aren’t too expensive.
BLACK WIDOW: Thanks everyone for joining me today. I called you here because I wanted to make a statement. I’ve been in therapy (with one of the therapists who didn’t die during the snappening) and through that process I came to realize that I am not broken. Womenhood means many things. It’s not solely defined by motherhood. And, hey, I might adopt kids one day, or I might not. Either way, I’m feeling extremely actualized and I needed everyone to know that.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I thought we were going to talk about how everyone is dead now.
HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): OMG, that again? It’s all we ever talk about.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I mean, it’s kind of a big deal that half of our friends, not to mention everyone in the universe, died.
HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): Yeah, I totally get that, but it’s not the only deal. Has anyone noticed how it’s much easier to get a good seat on the bus? I used to have to stand for my entire commute, but now I can get a great spot by a window most days. I just chill out with my podcasts and it’s kinda nice.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I never thought I’d say this, but I wish you were angrier about all this.
PEGGY CARTER’S GHOST: (whispering) Liiighhhttteennnn upppppp.
INT. SPACESHIP — DAY? NIGHT? IS THERE TIME IN SPACE?
STARK is floating around depressed. He turns off the gravity to try and entertain himself, but it only makes him sadder. As a trippy version of Mr Spaceman by The Byrds plays, he performs an elaborate ballet, pushing off walls, somersaulting through hallways, and spinning in place with arms outstretched. It is very beautiful and undignified.
STARK (V.O.): When I was a child, my mother never told me she loved me. I grew to believe I was stronger without love, that I smelled better without love and was smarter without love. Then I found GWYNETH PALTROW and she taught me that all a lonely boy needs to save the world is an organic butt scrub made of activated charcol and an overly complicated AI with a British accent. But all of that is gone. I am a child again. Without love. Without meaning. I wish this scene was in a prestige drama and not a comic book movie, because then I would definitely get an Oscar for it. I wonder if I’ll ever get an Oscar. Are you crying? I can see death waiting for me around the corner. It’s so strange. Death looks like my mother. Why wasn’t I good enough for you, mother?
INT. WAKANDA MAIN PALACE — DAY
SHURI and OKOYE are hanging out watching Netflix and building an elaborate machine thingy.
SHURI: I am beginning to have doubts about these Avengers.
OKOYE: That’s understandable.
SHURI: “Let us worry about it,” they said. “We’ll come up with some kind of fix for this,” they said. But it’s been like five months and everyone is still dead. What are they doing over there? Playing Yahtzee?
OKOYE: It’s not wise to count on superheros. They get distracted so easily by big paychecks and twitter. If anyone is going to fix this, it’s us. That’s why I have a plan.
SHURI: I love a good plan.
INT. THE QUANTUM REALM — DAY
ANT-MAN is wandering around inside what looks like an enormous disco ball. Staying Alive by the BeeGees is playing. Suddenly CAPTAIN MARVEL busts through the side of the disco ball. A prism flashes and shifts around her. It looks expensive.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Hey there!
ANT-MAN: Are you a delusion?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: That’s an interesting question. How would I know if I was a delusion?
ANT-MAN: Tell me something I don’t know.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: How smart are you?
ANT-MAN: Not terribly smart.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Do you know about exponents?
ANT-MAN: Is that a band?
CAPTAIN MARVEL: God, I hope I’m not your delusion, because that would make me pretty pathetic. Anyhow, let’s get out of this Quantum Realm!
ANT-MAN: Okay. It’s not like I have anything else to do.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: Cool! The world needs saving.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: People probably wouldn’t watch if we were trying to start a knitting club for eighty six movies.
ANT-MAN: I bet there are a few weirdos out there who would enjoy that. (looks meaningfully at camera)
The prism turns pink around them. Someone else enters the enormous disco ball. The music switches to Dim All The Lights by Donna Summers.
THOR: This is pretty trippy.
ANT-MAN: Hey! Thor!
THOR: Have we met?
ANT-MAN: Actually, I don’t remember. There have been a lot of movies.
CAPTAIN MARVEL: We need to get out of the Quantum Realm!
THOR: I can only do that if I take my shirt off. It’s in my contract.
ANT-MAN and CAPTAIN MARVEL: Nice.
INT. STARK INDUSTRIES — DAY
HULK and BLACK WIDOW are hanging out. They’re looking at a complicated computer screen pretending to do something important, but really it’s just an excuse to stand next to each other.
HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): Maybe we should do something about all this sexual tension between us.
BLACK WIDOW: Like a tender kiss on the balcony before we agree it would be better for us to remain apart for the rest of our lives for some bullshit reason so we can exchange longing glances across the room and drive everyone else crazy?
HULK (BUT IN HUMAN FORM): That’s exactly what I had in mind.
BLACK WIDOW: Nice.
EXT. A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE — DAY
Everything is beautiful. In the distance there are mountains and waterfalls. The sun is shining. The grass in the meadow waves slowly in the gentle wind. Sun coats the valley as a bird flies overhead. THANOS is sitting on the porch.
THANOS: So. Bored.
INT. RANDOM SPACESHIP — DAY? NIGHT? I STILL HAVEN’T WORKED OUT HOW TIME WORKS IN SPACE AND HOW A SCREENWRITER IS SUPPOSED TO NOTATE IT. DOES ANYONE KNOW? CAN YOU LET ME KNOW? ISN’T IT JUST ALWAYS NIGHT?
ROCKET THE RACCOON is driving the spaceship. He’s listening to The Trees by Rush and crying to himself.
ROCKET THE RACCOON: Why do there have to be so many damn characters in this universe? Half of them disappeared in the snappening and yet there are still like a million people wandering around. How could anyone write a coherent screenplay with all these plot lines? It’s impossible. Also, I am very sad.
In the distance a spaceship slowly comes into view. It is STARK’S spaceship.
ROCKET THE RACCOON: Time for a nice little rescue mission. Let’s see what kinda tuna is hiding in this can.
He steers his spaceship to link up to STARK’S spaceship. But, when he enters, he finds STARK dead and clutching a ragged, stuffed bear to his chest.
ROCKET THE RACCOON: I heard he wanted out of the Marvel universe, but this is still very tragic.
NEBULA pokes her head out of a drawer.
NEBULA: Hi there! I’m still alive! You should probably include me in the screenplay.
STAN LEE: I’m here, too!
AUDIENCE: (bursts into tears)
INT. STARK INDUSTRIES — NIGHT
CAPTAIN AMERICA is playing Yahtzee by himself.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: How long is this movie?
PEGGY CARTER’S GHOST: (whispering) Eiiiigggghhhhhttttt milllliiiionnnnn yeaaarrrrs.
There’s a crashing noise as someone flies through the window and the glass shatters. It’s WONDER WOMAN.
WONDER WOMAN: Is it okay if I hang out with you guys? I’ve been watching the movies and you seem a lot cooler than the maniacs in my cinematic universe.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I guess so. Do you know how to play Yahtzee?
EXT. A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE — DAY
THANOS is still sitting on the porch. He’s playing a game of cat’s cradle, but the string keeps getting caught in his infinity gauntlet.
HAWKEYE steps out from behind a tree. He aims his bow at THANOS.
HAWKEYE: For what you did to my friends, you deserve to die.
THANOS: (looks wearily at HAWKEYE) Do you realize that I am very strong and could easily murder you right now?
HAWKEYE: But you won’t.
THANOS: Why not?
HAWKEYE: Because I replaced your string with Nitronium Plutroflius, a magical element we teased in a post credits scene ten movies ago. It renders your arms completely useless when I push this button. (pushes button)
THANOS: (tries to move hands) Shit.
HAWKEYE: That’s right. Eat my farts, warthogface. (shoots THANOS)
HAWKEYE: Eat my farts, warthogface? That’s the best I can do?
An expensive spaceship appears in the sky. It lands and SHURI and OKOYE walk out. They see THANOS lying on the ground.
SHURI: What have you done???
HAWKEYE: I killed the bad guy. You’re welcome.
OKOYE: You idiot! Now we’ll never undo the snappening!
OKOYE: (speaking slowly as if to a child) We figured out how to undo the snappening. But, for it to work, we need Thanos alive.
SHURI: I have an idea.
She takes out the elaborate machine thingy she and OKOYE were working on in their previous scene and hooks it to THANOS’S arm.
SHURI: Maybe he doesn’t need to be alive. Perhaps we can stimulate the nerves in his hand enough that we can trick the gauntlet.
HAWKEYE: But how will that help?
OKOYE: What we need to do is create a reverse snap. If we can get THANOS’S hand to do a reverse snap, the gauntlet will undo all the damage that was done by the first snap.
HAWKEYE: (trying to snap his fingers in reverse) Is that even possible?
SHURI: We have to try!
She turns the machine on. THANOS’S hand comes to life. The fingers slowly move toward each other, but are stopped by the Nitronium Plutroflius. SHURI and OKOYE both look at HAWKEYE.
HAWKEYE: Oh, yes. Sorry. Let me turn that off.
He turns it off and the fingers begin to move again. The camera zooms in as slowly, slowly, they perform a reverse snap.
SHURI: Please, please!
All around the universe, tiny clouds of dust appear. Gradually, they knit together into human and alien forms. The forms take the shape of those who were lost. They animate and look around with tears in their eyes.
EVERYONE: I’m alive!
HAWKEYE: That was almost too easy!
OKOYE: Party in the Quantum Realm!
INT. THE QUANTUM REALM — DAY
Everyone is disco dancing to I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. We get to see each character’s super fun dance moves. Some of the characters make out. In the corner there is a sad little shrine memorializing STARK. It sits next to a tray of macaroons.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I kinda missed having a big battle scene at the end.
BLACK WIDOW: Sarah felt this post was already way too long and no one would want to read descriptions of a bunch of people punching each other.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I guess that’s fine. Do you know how to do the Lindy Hop?
BLACK WIDOW: No.
The credits roll. There are roughly 65 post credit scenes, each teasing a different, upcoming movie.
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