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Graphic by Sarah

Hey There. I’m a Reasonably Attractive Dude in a Button Up Shirt on LinkedIn

And I wanna connect with you.

I sure would like to join your LinkedIn network.

It looks like we’re in the same industry! I’m the CEO of a marketing/web development/SEO/design/content/consulting/podcast/recruiting agency and I’ve noticed a significant overlap in our services.

See how approachably attractive I am? Like a guy giving a TED Talk on growth hacking, or a trusted mentor explaining how best to incentivize your team. I rolled up my sleeves for this headshot. Now it’s time for you to roll up your sleeves and punch that accept button.

Sure I have 3000k connections.

But you’re special. I looked over your profile and you really stand out. That header. Those references. There’s a professionalism about your LinkedIn presence that makes me want to count myself amongst your casual acquaintances. That’s why I spelled your name wrong.

Just click that button and I promise we’re gonna network so hard that one of us will spontaneously generate a lead. Am I coming on too strong? Apologies. I get really pumped up about the possibility of adding value to your LinkedIn feed.

Hey! You clicked!

Photo of our new friendship by rawpixel on Unsplash

It’s such an honor to connect with you. Maybe we could get together and I could tell you how my team of writers/podcasters/web developers/designers/content marketers/circus clowns/digital ninjas could send your sales through the roof. Or we could just exchange tips on hair gel and toss buzzwords back and forth. Either option is great! I don’t care!

Any attention you’re willing to give me will provide ammunition, helping me fight the crippling insecurity that stalks me through each of my days and nights. Have you heard about imposter syndrome? It’s pretty fascinating. I shared an article about it the other day.

Please respond.

Sometimes people say I look like a stock photography model. Ha, ha. I prefer not to unpack that one, rather I choose to accept it as a compliment.

You could learn a lot from me.

I see you’re friends with Bob. Isn’t Bob the best? I converted his target demographic into a 130% return rate with a proven method of moving the needle on every ask. No, don’t follow up with him. The experience was so transformative, he doesn’t like to talk about it.

I could totally do the same for you!

I know you read my message. It’s kind of weird that you didn’t respond.

See how I’m not wearing a tie? I’m an ordinary person, just like you.

It’s not like I want a lock of your hair to keep on my mantel. That would be crazy! Ha, ha! Just a quick call so I can demonstrate how effective my CTAs are in every single circumstance. It’s for your own good.

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Photo of all the money I can make you by rawpixel on Unsplash

Why aren’t you responding to my message? Do I need to get a new headshot? Is that what this is about?

It’s weird you aren’t flattered when I try and sell you the exact same services you obviously provide. You should read the article on me that was recently published in one of the top ten online business publications. Okay, it wasn’t about me, but I provided a very impactful quote. They called me “the future”. Did you happen to see that article? Do you read business publications? I’m the future!

Aren’t you going to answer when the future knocks? Knock, knock, buddy! The future is here and it’s wearing blue gingham and a smile!

If we could just talk a little bit? Five minutes? Two minutes? Five seconds? I won’t waste your time.

I’d love the opportunity to shift your paradigm. If I’m not helping people disrupt things, I don’t know who I am. It’s so hollow, living here inside of LinkedIn, just trying to make a connection.

Please?

Respond?

😒

Still not interested? That’s okay.

I’ve already reached out to all 352 of your connections. And they’re looking pretty special.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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