How to get the username you want
When someone already has it.
It’s one of the great trials of modern life. Maybe you’re a business, maybe you’re a celebrity or maybe you’re just a regular Josephine. It happens without regard to status or wealth.
You create an account, only to find out that someone already has the username you wanted.
Now there’s nothing left to do except to choose an inferior username and vaguebook about it for a while until people comfort you.
Or, you could get up off your baby butt and take action.
Because usernames belong to those who are willing to take them.
Disclaimer: The author of this piece is not responsible for any negative outcomes resulting from readers following her advice. Readers accept all responsibility for their actions and do not hold the author liable for things they did of their own free will.
Pay Them Off
This one is popular with celebrities, since it involves very little work and they tend to have money. If you have money (can I have a loan?) ask yourself if you really want to use it to pay some random ding dong on the internet when you have other options.
While paying people off is super trendy, it’s also dull and hard to make an interesting blog post about. If you’re on Medium, you’re probably in search of interesting life experiences you can write about.
So, I don’t suggest this option.
Now we’re talking. If you’re a creative person, there are a million things you can do to intimidate a stranger into giving you their username.
First do your research. Find out everything you can about them. Find their weaknesses.
Maybe they’re in love. If they’re in love, photoshop an embarrassing photo of them then threaten to send it to the object of their affection. But don’t do stupid revenge porn shit. That is SO unoriginal and you are an artist. Instead, maybe photoshop their head on top of a warthog’s body and send a message that says something like “OMG, did you know so-and-so has a warthog body? I AM SHOCKED!”
Or, in extreme cases, photoshop them drinking a can of Bud Light. That will force them to retire from the internet entirely.
Maybe they have a family. If their family is Republican, threaten to out them as a Democrat. If their family is Protestant, threaten to out them as a Catholic. If their family is from Texas, threaten to out them as a vegan.
This might be extreme, but remember the wise words of my favorite character Mike the Cleaner:
If this still doesn’t work, you could try telling their dog mean things about them.
Guess Their Password
People are way too casual about passwords and you’d be surprised how many are completely guessable. Try these:
name of hobby
Once you get in — the username is yours!
Try To Become Their Best Friend
If the last two options seem too evil for you, that doesn’t mean there aren’t nicer, friendlier options. This one is a bit of a long game, but it will ease your conscience (What’s it like having one of those? Is it annoying?).
Humans often bond over shared interests, so see if you can get into whatever they’re into. This means you get to develop a new hobby! Hopefully it’s a fun one like skee-ball and not a dumb one like fishing.
Then move next door to the person with your username and start inserting yourself into their life. Bring them cake. Talk to their children. Draw pictures of them. Maybe go to war with them, because nothing bonds people like going to war together. Start calling them “best friend” (people don’t typically know you’re their best friend until you tell them).
Finally, when the two of you are best friends, casually bring up the username thing.
They’ll probably give it to you right away.
If they don’t, they’re a garbage person and you know what to do.