I am a spork and I am running for president in 2020.
Lots of people told me I shouldn’t do it.
“People won’t vote for a spork,” they said. “You were made for conveying food in whimsical fashion. You don’t know the first thing about politics. You’re not photogenic. Or savvy. There’s no chance you’d actually win. You might even split the vote, the way you split that linguini noodle in half the other day.”
Well, my friend. You and I are going to prove them wrong.
These are wild times and there are literally thousands of reasons why you should vote spork in 2020. Only a spork can cradle the meaty miasma that is America. Only a spork can heal this nation.
So, when you’re standing in that polling booth in November, scratching your chin and trying to decide which wealthy American with an ivy league education and stupid tie would be less likely to immerse the country in chaos, take a moment.
The spork who cares.
Consider the following points:
- Sporks spark joy. (Say that ten times fast!)
- Campaign motto: “It’s Tine For A Change”. You know you want a t-shirt or button with that printed on it.
- Sporks aren’t racist. As a spork, I never did any blackface in college. I never even went to college! (Cafeterias don’t count.) You could do a pretty deep investigation of my previous activities and you’d find I mostly hung out with meatballs and helped hungry children eat their mac and cheese. Fairly wholesome. So that would be refreshing for a lot of people.
- You know I can handle the job.
- I’m the great uniter our country needs. I unite republicans with democrats. I unite millennials with baby boomers. I unite people who use the Oxford comma with people who fantasize about murdering people who use the Oxford comma. I unite gnocchi with sauce.
- I am also available to host the Oscars. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with being president, but I heard they were still looking for someone to do that.
- I can be used as a musical instrument.
- I can be used as a weapon.
- I can be used as a hair removal device.
- I clearly care about the environment because I am recyclable.
- I don’t know much about the economy, but, let’s be honest, no one does. Everyone is just pretending to understand how the economy works and why it does what it does so they can feel like grownups. Elect me and the economy will continue to do unpredictable things on a ridiculous schedule. That’s a promise.
- My cabinet will be filled with the best utensils. We’re not just talking the same old forks and knives here, people. I’m talking teaspoons. I’m talking pizza cutters. I’m talking spatulas and can openers. I know a very dependable pair of salad tongs with a lot of good ideas about immigration.
- Ratings. Politics are basically a popularity contest. I can get the media talking. I can get the people watching. I can get the youtubers chatting and the tweeters raging. I can get your kids to eat their green vegetables.
What do we have to lose?
What if the hero you’ve been waiting for was in your junk drawer all along?
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