I Bathed in the Blood of 20 Virgins and It was the Best Thing I Ever Did

So don’t listen to the haters.

These days it’s no longer considered socially acceptable to bathe in the blood of virgins. “That’s not what virgins are for!” most people say. Well, before you pay attention to their self-righteous virtue signaling, consider who is funding all this pro-virgin propaganda. Virgin lobbyists have become ridiculously powerful and are gaining influence every day. Once you start paying attention, you’ll notice pro-virgin messages everywhere. The Society for the Preservation of Virgin Lives and Blood pays for billboards, television ads and even plasters pro-virgin jingles all over the radio.

“If you’re looking for something fancy to sacrifice
Maybe a non virgin would be just as nice!
That hungry god who is mean and so surreal
Might enjoy an experienced tasting meal.”

The other day I was sitting at the bus stop minding my own business and someone walked up beside me and said, “Maybe we shouldn’t throw virgins in the volcano.” Dude, come on. Some of us are just trying to live our lives. Stop making everything so political.

I had to stop listening to my favorite podcast, because the hosts were clearly bought out by Big Virgin. There were nonstop ad breaks arguing that maybe virgins shouldn’t be the first to die in home invasion scenarios. I’m still mad about it, because the show had good information on growing mushrooms in your bathroom and toilet mushrooms are delicious.

I’m aware that lots of folks will be angry about this article. Probably I’ll be “cancelled.” But, all you modern progressives, I beg you to remember, when you’re out there killing folks without any mind as to whether or not they are virgins, that we once lived in a civilized world. We once knew there was a specific group intended for sacrifice and we sacrificed them as the spooky, messed-up gods demanded.

The other day I did it. It’s getting increasingly harder to find good quality virgin blood, but I talked to my dealer and he tracked some down for me. I poured the blood of 20 virgins into my bathtub, lit a few candles and put on some Enya. It was relaxing. It was divine. It reminded me of the old days, days when I didn’t have to worry about what people on twitter would tweet about me. The whole thing totally clogged my pipes and destroyed my plumbing, but IT WAS WORTH IT.

I suggest you do the same, before Big Virgin gets their claws into the judiciary branch and we can’t even kick a virgin or pull their hair. You think I’m exaggerating? It’s a slippery slope, my friend. But not as slippery as my bathtub. Turns out blood is really hard to clean off porcelain.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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