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If I Don’t Sleep I Literally Turn into a Demon

Yes, I know what “literally” means.

One of the secrets to love, life, and halfway decent cooking skills is getting enough sleep. These days people take pride in how little sleep they need to function.

When I worked in a traditional office situation, it turned into a sport, with employees competing to see who could get the most done at the weirdest hours of the night. Sometimes their bodies would give out around 3pm the next day and I’d find them in little heaps near the printer, snoring with promotional mugs cuddled tenderly in their arms. If they were really ambitious, they’d put up a sign that read “NOT ASLEEP. BRAINSTORMING. DO NOT DISTURB.”

While the competitive wakefulness was a lot of fun, it could get confusing for clients, who wondered why they ordered a website and ended up with a papier-mâché hat. (This is a joke. It didn’t really happen. None of this happened. Please don’t sue me.)

I never joined in on the whole competitive wakefulness trend.

Not only am I fairly immune to peer pressure, I also need to get enough sleep. It’s one thing on which I am unwilling to budge. When the clock hits 11pm, I better be tucked beneath my blankets with a stuffed otter on both sides of my head. Eye mask on. Drool already forming at the corners of my mouth. Dreams encroaching.

Every single night.

Otherwise I turn into a demon.

It’s a pain, for sure, but it does have its perks. People who get enough sleep have a tendency to live longer. My current plan is to live until at least the age of 107, because I was promised flying cars and it’ll likely take that long to get them. To achieve that kind of longevity, I’ll need to get 7–9 hours of sleep every single night. You should do the same! Even without the demon thing!

Do you have to be told the same things over and over again?

Do you get irritable for bad reasons, like light coming through the windows or your coworker saying “hello”?

Do you find yourself yawning in the middle of meetings or sleepwalking into the boss’s office and stealing his plants?

It’s possible you aren’t getting enough sleep! Lack of sleep can affect people more than they realize. Some estimates say half of adults don’t get enough sleep at night. That’s a big problem and it can add up to all kinds of wild, unexpected symptoms!

Does your tongue grow to three times its normal length, while horns sprout from the back of your head? Do you lose the ability to pronounce any word with the letter “E” in it? Do you randomly smell like sulfur? Do people start following you around chanting weird things and trying to sell you their souls?

You, my friend, might need more sleep!

At least, that’s the case for me.

I suggest setting an alarm for bedtime, then keeping that appointment regardless of the cost. Keep your bedroom dark and don’t fiddle with your phone right before sleepy time. Close the door so pets can’t get in and play with your face. If you have small children who tend to keep you up at night, consider giving them away to a relative or friend. You can’t put a price on rest!

I bet, if you follow all these steps, you’ll start feeling sharper and smarter immediately!

And, bonus, you won’t turn into a demon!

Thanks for reading! For more nonsense, follow me on twitter and subscribe to my newsletter.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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