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Sarajevo, PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

If I Were A Detective

These are the things I would do.

I don’t usually have a desire to be a detective, but sometimes I’ll listen to a true crime podcast or read a mystery novel and I’ll start to wonder if I should add a deerstalker cap to my wishlist.

  • I would get a lovable but scary dog and name him Herbert, so when I sic him on the bad guys I can yell, “Get him, Herbert!”
  • I would have two guns on me at all times, one that is loaded and one that isn’t, so I can have fun moments where someone demands I give them my gun, then when they try and shoot me with my gun they realize it is unloaded and then I pull out my other gun and they’re very surprised. The unloaded gun would have a Hello Kitty sticker on it so I didn’t accidentally get them mixed up.
  • I would ride trains a lot.
  • I would refine my look by wearing a tweed coat and glasses. Because I cannot seem to grow a mustache, I will buy a nice, bushy one and glue it to my face.
  • I would memorize the sewer system in my city so I can maneuver through it quickly in the dark.
  • I would get a small office in a high rise and scatter cigarette butts around on the floor (where can I get some of those?) and keep thick glasses of honey-colored liquid on all the free surfaces. There will also be an important-looking file cabinet with a lock on it. This file cabinet will be where I keep my cheese sandwiches so no one takes them.
  • I would get one of those voice distorting thingies like in Home Alone. It’s weird more detectives don’t have those.
  • I would have a closet of disguises. Disguises will include things like: Yoshi costume, Burger king crown, sequin belt, big sunglasses + baseball hat, and a bunch of leaves I can tape on my body to look like a tree.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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