If I Were A Detective
These are the things I would do.
I don’t usually have a desire to be a detective, but sometimes I’ll listen to a true crime podcast or read a mystery novel and I’ll start to wonder if I should add a deerstalker cap to my wishlist.
(Did anyone else think a deerstalker cap was a hat with antlers when they were a kid? No? Just me?)
After all, there are a lot of mysteries out there that need solving and maybe some poor kid is being held prisoner in a basement somewhere deep in the wilds of Seattle and the only thing that would set them free is for me to put down my writing pen and pick up a comically large magnifying glass and get out there are do some high quality detecting.
So, here is a list of things I would do if I were a detective:
- I would make sure my partner is a terrible writer with no interest in publishing books, articles or even tweets. If someone is going to tell the story of my miraculous detecting, it will be me, thank you very much.
- I would get a lovable but scary dog and name him Herbert, so when I sic him on the bad guys I can yell, “Get him, Herbert!”
- I would have two guns on me at all times, one that is loaded and one that isn’t, so I can have fun moments where someone demands I give them my gun, then when they try and shoot me with my gun they realize it is unloaded and then I pull out my other gun and they’re very surprised. The unloaded gun would have a Hello Kitty sticker on it so I didn’t accidentally get them mixed up.
- I would ride trains a lot.
- I would refine my look by wearing a tweed coat and glasses. Because I cannot seem to grow a mustache, I will buy a nice, bushy one and glue it to my face.
- I would memorize the sewer system in my city so I can maneuver through it quickly in the dark.
- I would get a small office in a high rise and scatter cigarette butts around on the floor (where can I get some of those?) and keep thick glasses of honey-colored liquid on all the free surfaces. There will also be an important-looking file cabinet with a lock on it. This file cabinet will be where I keep my cheese sandwiches so no one takes them.
- I would get one of those voice distorting thingies like in Home Alone. It’s weird more detectives don’t have those.
- I would have a closet of disguises. Disguises will include things like: Yoshi costume, Burger king crown, sequin belt, big sunglasses + baseball hat, and a bunch of leaves I can tape on my body to look like a tree.
I’m not ACTUALLY going to be a detective, because articles like this prove my true calling is in the written arts. But it’s a shame so many murders will have to go unsolved.
When I could have solved them.