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Graphic by Sarah

I’m trying to sell out, but the world isn’t interested.

Why is the going rate for my soul so low?

Faust gave me a collection of unrealistic expectations so large you could raise a family of four in them, with room for a dog and a parrot. I thought, when the day came for me to sell out, the payout for my principals would be super high.

  • Drape my aging body across the car you’re trying to sell
  • Put on a bowler hat and wear it non ironically while I smoke a cigar
  • Disappoint my parents
  • Follow hot celebrities around with a camera and try to get pictures of them with food in their mouths
  • Math
  • Wear a shirt that says “Wifey”.
  • Quote Ayn Rand
  • Post instagram photos of my sexy knees
  • Get through an entire meeting without making fun of any of the buzzwords
  • Write the screenplay for Garfield 3

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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