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Itinerary for a Quarantine Pub Crawl

Explore the exotic world of your apartment!

Some bars are open, but there’s no way I’m trading my health for a spin on a sticky barstool and a whisky mac. My luck is such that, the moment I crossed the threshold of the local Spotted Duck and Horse, at least ten different coronavirus nerf balls would affix themselves to my face and I’d die instantly. These times were made for the introverted and the paranoid and I’m gonna intranoid myself in the opposite direction of any neon lights.

But I have begun to miss going out on pub crawls. The golden glow of a pilsner that tastes like cellar mold. The loud music. The bathroom doors that don’t latch, so you have to brace them closed with your foot while you try to pee. The suspiciously damp billiard balls. The photo booth that eats your dollars and the bartender who is too cool to care.

Pub crawls can be a magical experience and it makes sense to miss them. But there’s nothing you can do outside that you can’t do within the safety of your own apartment. Except maybe wind surfing. In the meantime, I’ve put together an itinerary for a special quarantine pub crawl that takes place entirely within your abode! If this doesn’t sound exciting, then you’re a hard person to please and I might not be the content creator for you.

7:00PM — Any good pub crawl begins with food. You’ve gotta lay down a nice bed of nourishment in your belly to cushion all the booze you’re going to be dropping on it later. So, start in front of the pantry door. Pretend it’s one of those fancy gastropubs, or maybe a trendy food track. Open the door and eat whatever’s inside. A bag of stale chips? An ancient granola bar that has begun to curl in on itself? The chocolate-covered almonds from three Christmases ago? Perfect! This is a close representation of the food available in most gastropubs.

7:30PM — Now it’s time to get a little exotic! It’s time for the good stuff! Journey over to your fridge and search for a beer, preferably something with a German name so you can close your eyes and pretend Neuschwanstein Castle is off in the distance instead of the dirty tea towel you keep forgetting to throw in the wash. In traditional beer gardens, Germans play all kinds of crazy games. You’re the only person here, so you’re about to win all the games.

7:35PM — Wait, where is the beer?

7:36PM — I suppose it is five months into a pandemic, so you might have accidentally drank all the beer.

7:55PM — But that’s fine! When there isn’t any beer available, the thirsty turn to something harder. Let’s travel to Scotland for a taste of expensive scotch. The walls of the bar are lined in plaid and outside it’s been raining for the last 451 days. Through the window a crested tit looks at you suspiciously.

8:00PM — Oh, wait. The scotch is gone, too.

8:01PM — Well, that’s embarrassing.

8:45PM — At least there’s good old water. Water will always be here for you. Fill a glass with tap water and begin the long trek to the bathroom, where you can close your eyes and sniff a crusty bar of Hállo Sápa, pretending you’re standing in the Icelandic highlands and watching volcanos bubble at a distance. That’s not your tired, old toothbrush. It’s a puffin! The elves adopt you and rename you Ólafur. Nature is so magical.

9:00PM — Okay, I think that’s enough water. Wouldn’t want to go overboard. Tomorrow’s hangover is gonna be one for the books! Just remember, there’s no adventure outside your head that you can’t have inside your head and your apartment will always be here for you. Unless the unemployment runs out. ✌️

Thanks for reading. For more stuff I’m on twitter and I have a newsletter.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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