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It’s Me! Your Friendly, Neighborhood Murder Hornet.

Let’s all chill out, mkay?

Yeah, I’ve seen the tweets. All you humans saw the words “murder hornet” and immediately went off the deep end, smearing ash on your sweatpants and bemoaning the fact you’d never see another sunrise. Silly drama llamas. All this weeping and screaming is not only unflattering, it’s also a teensy weensy overreaction.

I’m just a nice dude looking for a quiet place to live, preferably with a good school district where I can enroll my giant babies. I never wanted to represent the culmination of all the terrifying things currently happening in your country. My timing wasn’t great, but it’s not like I planned this! I understand you’re stretched a little thin, emotionally speaking, and I’m sorry about that.

But a murder hornet has to obey the inscrutable exhortations of its soul and that old fashioned American dream looks pretty appealing. This nation of immigrants is the perfect place for me to stretch my wings and focus on becoming the biggest, best murder hornet I can possibly be.

So, don’t panic. If we all stay calm and put our heads together, I’m sure we can hammer out a way to kind of peacefully coexist. You view me with suspicion now, but that’s because I’m the new guy! I intend to be a great neighbor. I’ll never ask to borrow your lawn mower. I prefer no one mows their lawns ever again! Also if you could avoid knocking down any funny-looking nests, that would be great, mkay?

Before you know it, you’ll forget you were ever afraid of me and the two of us will be splitting a mimosa at the annual neighborhood barbeque.

I also make great comments on the Nextdoor app.

It’s not entirely your fault. You were raised with old fashioned ideals, trained to believe that murder = bad. It doesn’t have to! This is a modern world and there are many ways of looking at things. Yes, I’ve been known to murder from time to time. It’s in my nature and I can’t help it, so murdering is nonnegotiable. Don’t come around with cookies or pies trying to bribe me into being less murdery. It just makes me feel bad about myself, which, well, shame on you!

It would help if you could adjust your perspective and start considering all the ways murder can be an asset instead of a liability. We‘ll collaborate on this. I’m eager to be neighborly.

I’m not picky about I murder. Mostly I murder honeybees. That shouldn’t bother you. Those tempting, sexy little morsels that taste soooooo good on my stinger… little honey-tinted bursts of flavor oh yummmy yes they’re just begging to be murdered ahhhhhhh.

What were we talking about?

Oh. Mostly I murder honeybees. But, I also murder humans from time to time. Guilty as charged. I’m willing to negotiate on I murder. Has Old Bob been letting his dachshund dig up your flowerbeds? Put me to work! I can give you a two-for-one special. And Little Sally who practices the trumpet at the same time every day, exactly when you’d like to take your nap? We can remove that tiny, tone deaf impediment from the neighborhood.

Think creatively! By this time next year, I bet we can be best friends. This is going to work out great for both of us.

If it doesn’t, I guess there’s always murder.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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