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Little Women if Jo March Were a Baby Hippopotamus

This could change everything.

Greta Gerwig’s adaptation of Little Women is a vibrant take on the classic novel. She does a great job demonstrating the bond between sisters, as well as the struggles of growing up in a world where there aren’t many career options available for ambitious ladies.

The movie is a triumph! Really!

However, I might have done one thing differently.

If I were entrusted with the task of bringing this meaningful novel to life…

I would have turned the character of Jo March into a baby hippopotamus.

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Photo by Dušan Smetana on Unsplash


Well, partly for my own amusement. Baby hippos are infinitely interesting and they look way more entertaining than humans doing things like reading to an elderly aunt or ice skating on a frosty day.

It would also be a great excuse to have a baby hippo on set. Perhaps I could hang out with it at the craft services table and we’d friend each other on Instagram. My internet friends would be so jealous!

Sure, the screenwriters would have to change the plot a bit. Baby Hippo Jo March wouldn’t share her Christmas breakfast with a poor German family. One hippo needs to eat 150 pounds of food every day! That doesn’t leave a lot of extra delicacies for charitable endeavors.

Also Baby Hippo Jo March wouldn’t be able to demand the same kind of cash for her shorn hairs. So, Papa March would need to die.

Not a problem. We can work with that.

I’ve already given casting some thought. Fiona the baby hippo at the Cincinnati Zoo made a big splash a few years ago, so she already has a built in audience. I bet all the Fiona fans would love to see her in a big, Hollywood movie.

If any producers are reading this and thinking that it’s a great idea, you’re going to want to move quickly. Send me some cash via paypal and we’ll get this thing cracking. Sure there’s already a Little Women movie in theaters, but history has proven there’s always room for more. And Fiona is getting bigger every day. Soon she won’t be a baby hippo anymore.

Jo March the Completely Grown Up Hippopotamus doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

I just need to figure out an ethical solution for the kissing scene, then I’ll get in touch with some Important People. Soon we’ll all be able to watch a Fiona write The Next Great American Novel while she’s wrapped up in a cute, knit shawl.

Probably it will make billions of dollars.

Don’t be jelly, Greta. Your movie was really good and it isn’t your fault you didn’t think of the baby hippo angle.

Thanks for reading. For more stuff I’m on twitter and I have a newsletter.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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