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Midlife Crisis or Depression?

Which super fun horror show are you experiencing?

The universe likes to send humans spiraling through a caldron of existential dread every 25 years or so. This can serve as a checkpoint, reminding us that we’re going to die one day and, if we don’t hurry up, we’ll never have a job title that doesn’t look hilarious on a business card or learn to bake a soufflé. (For some reason, I’ve always considered baking a soufflé the ultimate in adulting.)

  • You often feel restless, longing for excitement and dreaming of new ways to change your life. Will giving away all your possessions and joining a monastery make you happy? It could. But maybe check in with your wife and kids before committing to the #monklife.
  • You begin questioning things you used to take for granted. Maybe your relationships. Maybe your politics. Perhaps your religion. Which M&M flavor is the best. Anything is up for revaluation.
  • You’re angrier than usual. Though, to be fair, the anger could be because of a midlife crisis, or it could be a result of following American politics too closely.
  • The future is intimidating and you’re unable to decide which path to take. Becoming a rock star would be rewarding, but the world needs more people willing to clean sea otters for a living. (At least, I like to imagine it does.)
  • You often feel restless… Arg. THESE TWO THINGS ARE DIFFERENT, I PROMISE.
  • You struggle with fatigue and, oh God, I am so happy to see fatigue here. I never thought I’d be so happy to see fatigue. Fatigue is NOT a symptom of a midlife crisis. I hope. But it can occur with depression.
  • You frequently feel helpless, empty, worthless, guilty, like a piece of shit, no good, pointless, waste of space, zero of a donkey turd.
  • Yikes.
  • This is a comedy piece, there should probably be a joke here. Hmmm….

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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