Photo by Mike Cox on Unsplash

My Extremely Brief Stint as a Sports Fan

I gave it a whirl… it didn’t work out.

I never found sports particularly interesting, but, in sports’ defense, I never really tried. I was way too wrapped up in my identity as an art snob. Put on a show in an old mausoleum, or talk about how The Pinchers traded Old Buckley to The Push Pins for one billionty dollars? Easy choice.

One time I got influenced into attending a Super Bowl party. They told me there would be yummy snacks. They told me there would be interesting commercials.

Neither was neither.

Instead, I was slowly eaten alive by the couch cushions, as I stared into space wishing I could get raptured. Super Bowls are long. The players stop a lot. Then, they start again… but no. Stop. An old-fashioned rapture would liven things up.

I have nothing against sports (this is a lie, but we don’t have time to get into it). I’m openminded (this is partially a lie, but we don’t have time to get into it). I’m not too old to change (LIE LIE LIE!!!).

I like to try weird shit (there we go—that one’s the truth).

So, when Seattle decided to summon a hockey team out of dreams and dollars, I was ready to bestow my long-dormant fandom upon it. My reasoning, as usual, came in bullet points:

• It might be funny.
• Hockey moves faster than other sports and the players have literal blades strapped to their feet.
• Sometimes they fight and slam each other into stuff.
• The puck makes a neat swish swish sound.
• Seattle’s team was brand new, which meant I didn’t have to memorize lots of boring sports history about how “in 1984 the team was favored to win the Semi National Hinky Jinky Championship, but missed out because the Rabid Squirrel Chops were deflating balls.” Beginning my fan experience on a long-standing team would be like trying to get into the Marvel Cinematic Universe in 2022. Too much effort.
• The team was called The Krakens. That’s pretty cool. I immediately envisioned a cluster of eldritch sea demons squishing their way across the ice, cursing enemy teams via elaborate rituals, and bringing about the downfall of mankind. Fans could perform…