November Is A Good Month For Starting A Cult

I mean “secret society”

I’ve always wanted to have my own cult, I mean secret society.

Partly because I have these broad shoulders and no accessory looks quite as flattering as a long, purple robe that flows behind me as I walk down a gothic hallway. Preferably with a hood. A big hood made out of velvet with a pointy bit that hangs down.

A good percentage of our dues will be going toward robes.

We’re also going to be investing in nice candles. (Yes, Martha. I know there are lots of cheaper candles at Walmart. I don’t care.) This isn’t one of those trashy, corner-cutting cults, I mean secret societies.

We’ll need to come up with a few initiation rituals, preferably involving blood oaths and tattoos and midnight forests and perhaps a fight to the death. Also a meaningful toast with a nice rosé.

(Martha, could you shut up about the candles?)

November is such a good month for starting a cult, I mean secret society. Think about it. There are all these shadows and we can swirl in and out of them. The leaves have nearly all fallen and people are looking for ways to occupy themselves that don’t involve facing the fact that everyone’s future is one of decay and atrophy and crumbling teeth and the only way to find any meaning in life is to clutch hope with your cold hands and hold onto it as tightly as you can squeezing squeezing so it can’t get away, until it withers into dust and falls through your fingers and everything dies.

Everything dies.

(I don’t need a back massage, Martha.)

We’ll start small, hanging out in basements and parking garages, then work our way up to the great center of power in our city. (I’m not sure where the great center of power in our city is, but I suspect it might be Arby’s.)

Let’s be honest, the appeal of your standard cult, I mean secret society, is in how it creates a sense of community. It will be nice to finally have a group of people I can trust completely, whether that means helping each other out with babysitting, driving each other to the airport or hiding the occasional body. (But not every Saturday, Martha. That is excessive.)

I’ve already applied for nonprofit status, so this thing is definitely happening.

Are you looking for a way to feel more alive and more powerful? Maybe a cult, I mean secret society is for you! Currently looking for people who:

  • aren’t squeamish about blood
  • look really good in cloaks
  • have a hard time saying no to things
  • can hum on key for a few hours at a time, gradually increasing in volume and speed until reaching an ominous, frenzied cacophony
  • have or can get money
  • are looking for a legitimate way to annoy or worry their family members
  • have access to a basement
  • feel anxious or concerned without the presence of an authority figure telling them exactly what to think.

If you’re interested, send me a request on LinkedIn and maybe we can connect sometime. Possibly in the middle of the night, when I break into your bedroom with my associates and whisk you away! Or maybe over coffee!

Thanks for reading! Sarah is a freelancer who exists on twitter and instagram and redbubble.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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