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One Million and Sixty Ways to Unlock Your Leadership Potential

The definitive list

Did you know the average human only uses 1% of their leadership abilities? When you don’t take advantage of that untapped 99%, it seeps into your bloodstream causing you to do things like follow a bunch of celebrities on social media or buy a pair of magenta boots because the sales person smiled at you.

We all want to be leaders! And we should be!

I’ve included a list of the one million and sixty different things you can do to unlock the leadership potential shimmying around inside of you at THIS VERY MOMENT. Other articles will claim to cover the same ground, but they cannot help you. At most, they have only four hundred and seventy one tips. Not enough, my friend. If you’re going to be a bonafide leader, you’ll need a little more than that!

So, drink a glass of water, do some quick stretches, put your phone on silent, and plop the kids in front of Creepy YouTube for a few weeks. Let’s do this thing!

  1. Wear pinstripes. Not only do pinstripes elongate the body, but they also make you look open to murderous shenanigans. Not that you scatter animal heads around in the beds of your enemies. But it’s good if you seem capable of it.
  2. Start a podcast. Leaders all have podcasts these days.
  3. Invite everyone you meet to arm wrestle. Work out your right arm daily to prepare. YOU MUST NOT LOSE THESE BATTLES. Otherwise you’ll slip down the leadership ladder, which means head pats and fixing the printer.
  4. Adopt a wild animal and bend it to your will. Not only will this make you strong and fascinating, it will lend itself to lots of metaphors when you give your Ted Talk.
  5. Give a Ted Talk. I don’t know how to do this, because if I did, I would have done it already, but one of the hallmarks of a great leader is their Ted Talk. Use visual aids and dramatic pauses.
  6. Use the word “fascinating” while looking bored. Do this a lot.
  7. Tell people they’re funny, but never laugh.
  8. Wear your button-down shirts one size too small. Leaders are big and bristling with knowledge. They are always one moment away from busting the constraints of conventionality.
  9. Get a personal seal. Not the kind that lives in the ocean, but the kind that makes dumb letters look important. Use it to seal everything, including your ballot and divorce papers.
  10. Shit, we’re only at ten? I guess that means we’ve got one million and fifty left to go. Ha ha! No problem. This should be fine.
  11. Buy lots of businesses.
  12. Get a twitter account and pay for billions of bots to follow you. Don’t follow ANYONE. Not Obama. Not the Dalai Lama. Not even the guy who draws the fun animal cartoons. You are a leader. They follow YOU.
  13. Use six different phones, assigning each a specific function.
  14. Cough at the theater.
  15. Shave your head. People find shaved heads bold and a little scary.
  16. Get an assistant, then get that assistant an assistant. Your assistant should only cry once a week. Your assistant’s assistant should cry three times a week. If the assistant’s assistant writes a book about you, claim you do not remember their name.
  17. Adopt a weird diet. Something like eating fifty radishes every day, but only at a specific temperature and always before 5pm. Leaders tend to have confusing diets that people mistake for genius.
  18. Wake up at 3am. All those other leaders are waking up at 4am. If you want to be the boss leader, you’ll have to beat them at their own game.
  19. Tell people you sleep standing up. Act like it’s normal and everyone should be doing it.
  20. That’s twenty tips! Moving right along!
  21. Write listicles about helping people unlock their leadership potential.
  22. Drink a lot of coffee. A LOT. However much coffee you think is a lot, triple that number. Keep going until your pee is black.
  23. Tell people you’re a competitive meditator. Any normie can meditate solo for peace of mind. But you can’t achieve a zen state unless you know you’re crushing it.
  24. Buy lots of phallic artwork.
  25. Become a stock footage model on the side, but only allow your image to be used with the accompanying tag “leadership”. That way, when people think of leaders, a picture of you will pop into their heads.
  26. Pay teenagers to get your name tattooed on their faces.
  27. Buy a Tesla.
  28. Start a newsletter.
  29. Come up with an inexplicable plan to solve climate change. Make sure it definitely won’t work.
  30. What time is it?
  31. Keep your shoes shiny. After you use them to crush your competitors, find a shoe shiner and spiff them up again. Give the shoe shiner a hundie, then run off and find someone else to crush beneath your heels. Repeat this cycle until you die.
  32. Maybe I shouldn’t make each of these tips so long if I’m going to write over a million of them. Not that I’m trying to be lazy about it, but efficiency is important when it comes to leadership.
  33. When people try and talk to you, explain that efficiency is important when it comes to leadership. Put your finger to their lips, then walk away.
  34. Hang out in fancy hotel lobbies.
  35. Smoke a big cigar. If someone asks you to put it out, purse your lips and put it out on their shoulder.
  36. Run for office on a whim.
  37. Wallpaper your bathroom with articles from Forbes.
  38. Leave hammers lying around so people think you might build something at any moment.
  39. Make up words and say them with confidence. Every time someone uses one of your pretend words, throw them a candy.
  40. Write a book where the cover is a picture of you looking benevolent against a blue backdrop.
  41. Start wearing spurs.
  42. Make sure you’re always using at least five monitors at any given time. One monitor cannot contain all of your innovative thoughts.
  43. Oh God. How far are we? Only forty-three? How is that possible? It feels like I’ve been writing this for one million and sixty days. Maybe I’ve fallen into some sort of leadership-themed black hole.
  44. Leaders like to mentor people. Find five people who look like younger versions of yourself and buy them matching outfits. Take them out for coffee and feed them all your thought nuggets.
  45. When you’re forced to use public restrooms, make loud, aggressive phone calls. Say things like, “I won’t believe you until I see the data!” This will intimidate and impress any nearby poopers.
  46. When you buy walnuts at the grocery store, tell the clerk you’re a status member.
  47. Correct tour guides.
  48. If someone tries to throw leadership around, eat a live chicken in front of them.
  49. My fingers hurt.
  50. Find a brass key with the words “Leadership Potential Unlocker” engraved on it. See if that works.
  51. If you can find three dragons who love and serve you, other people will also love and serve you, because they know dragons are excellent judges of character.
  52. Call everyone “kiddo”.
  53. Fifty-three.
  54. If a waiter gets your order wrong, challenge them to a krumping battle.
  55. Tell people about the importance of teamwork, then divide them into groups and tell them they have to use the power of teamwork to destroy the other groups.
  56. Damn it.
  57. Keep a durian in your car.
  58. Wait. No. Mail durians to your enemies.
  59. What day is it?
  60. Have lots of enemies.
  61. Or maybe a nemesis? Those are popular, right?
  62. But make sure your nemesis isn’t better looking than you are.
  63. Is anyone hungry?
  64. Blerg.
  65. Find a human who is willing to act as your footstool during meetings.
  66. I’m going to do some quick math, if you don’t mind giving me a moment.
  67. Maybe you can watch some of that Creepy YouTube with your kid, make sure the singing puppets aren’t teaching them anything too inappropriate.
  68. Oh, they’re just singing about embalming standards?
  69. That should be fine.
  70. What was I going to do?
  71. Oh yeah.
  72. Hang on.
  73. Just typing something into the old Google.
  74. “How long does it take to write one million and sixty different leadership tips?”
  75. 👀
  76. Welp.
  77. That seems like a long time.
  78. Is anyone still reading?
  79. I mean, I’d hate to write that many helpful tips if no one is going to read them. I bet everyone read the first five tips, then scrolled to the end and read the last one. Heaven knows, that’s what do! One million and sixty leadership tips are kind of a lot. It sounds like a nice big number, but when you get down here in the weeds, it could make you crazy!
  80. I bet I could write anything here and no one would ever read it.
  81. Banana banana in a canon hurts the clowns with fun rapididy.
  82. I don’t deserve love.
  83. Baby baby burpido.
  84. Janis Joplin was better than Elvis.
  85. Fuck fuck fuck.
  86. This is still taking way too much time.
  87. 😑
  88. Oh, I have an idea.
  89. This is a good one.
  90. Here we go.
  91. We’ll just skipsy doodle on over to the end.
  92. I bet no one will notice.

1,000,060. Remember to always wear pants or skirts or something on your bottom half besides those sailboat underpants you like so much.

Thanks for reading! I’m sure these one million and sixty different ways to unlock your leadership potential will make a big difference in your life and I wouldn’t hate it if you sent me a thank you check when you’re rich and important.

Have a great day everyone!

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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