One of the many embarrassing things I’ve done in my life.
It took me a while to write this, because I’m not someone to whom embarrassing things happen. I choose my words perfectly and am never clumsy or awkward in the slightest.
Actually, I wasn’t sure which of the millions of humiliations I should share. Maybe when I faceplanted falling off my razor scooter in front of the entire theater department? Perhaps when I ripped my pants during a date? (Was it right down the butt? Yes, it was right down the butt.) Or, possibly just today when I walked into a room and, thinking I was alone, let out a huge fart.
I was not alone.
But for this story I’ve decided to go further into my own history. Back to when I was only beginning to build a reputation for bizarre behavior. Back to when I rolled up my leggings and called them shorts.
We’re talking elementary school.
I always had a decent vocabulary, due to my book addiction, but sometimes I got confused about new words. This would have been fine if I kept the words I was unsure of inside my head, but of course I did not do that. Instead, with the unearned confidence of the young, I used them.
Sometimes it went well.
Sometimes it did not.
This incident happened at my nurse practitioner’s office. I was there for my annual exam and she put me through all the normal exam stuff:
- Had me step on the scale.
- Peered into my throat and ears.
- Asked about any aches and pains.
- Stabbed me with a needle.
- Handed me a cup and told me to pee into it.
The last bullet point is where we ran into trouble.
The actual peeing went alright. Getting my urine in the cup was no problemo. I sealed everything up, washed my hands and left my pee in the little cabinet meant for such things. After exiting the bathroom I returned to the exam room feeling capable.
“Everything go okay?” asked the nurse practicioner.
“Yes,” I replied. “My feces are in the cup.”
Even to this date, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s face take on such an immediate combination of confusion and horror.
“This damn kid,” she must have thought, “just shit in a cup and left it in the bathroom for me. Why didn’t I get a normal job at Burger King?”
You’ve probably figured out the fact that I was confused and thought “feces” meant “pee”. Because I was a royal ding dong face. At the time, I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I suspected I’d said something weird again.
“Was I not supposed to pee in the cup?” I asked timidly.
My unintentional punchline was followed by tons of laughter and then an explanation of what feces are. My nurse practitioner was a good sport about the whole thing. But, yeah. I was dumb and it was pretty embarrassing. Anytime I use the word “feces” I remember that day.
I’m going to tag the last few people who commented on my posts to keep this humiliation train chugging along. (That’ll teach you!) Mo Solo, Mark Starlin, C. M. Barrett, and Kristi Keller. Share your pain with us! Though, if you’re not in the mood to publicly relive your most shameful moments, I understand. 😜
Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, consider following me on twitter. If you did not like this post, consider following me on twitter.