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Graphic by author. Code snippet courtesy of Nick Grant.

Other Websites That Should Launch Dating Components

Time to put those kissy face emojis to work!

Humans will turn anything into an opportunity for tossing out cheesy pick up lines and wagging their eyebrows at each other. In this modern world even innocent locations like libraries and strip clubs have been transformed into metaphorical love ranches where visitors imagine every person within spitting distance as a head of cattle begging to be wrangled.

Despite our advancements , humankind loses all rationality at the scent of a single pheromone .

And all this crazy and dumb can get in the way of important pursuits like writing novels and solving climate change.

But peeps gotta peep.

Facebook knows what’s up. That’s why they’ve launched Facebook Dating, the place where “poking” your friends takes on a whole new meaning. Why fight the libidos when you can profit from them? I suggest tech companies lean into people’s need to romanticize and sexualize every online encounter.

I follow the BestofNextdoor account on twitter and it’s clear those app users are counting down the days until they can complain about their neighbors’ cats exchange spit particles beneath the light of a silvery moon. If Nextdoor is smart they’ll get on that PRONTO.

Who else should climb aboard the romance train?

Goodreads

Imagine if, under every book review, the reviewers checked a few boxes regarding their sexual availability and preferences. Then users could filter to find all the single people near them and read their book reviews before deciding whether or not to get in contact.

There wouldn’t be a single unattached book nerd left in the world.

I find, and I’m sure this is everyone else’s experience as well, that literary taste is the best indicator of long term romantic compatibility.

The Jeremy Renner App

I only recently learned about this app and it has already been obliterated, but everything I’m reading suggests it’s a product with a lot of potential. I suggest bringing it back to life with a new purpose as a dating app.

How else will Jeremy Renner fans meet and fall in love with other Jeremy Renner fans? Perhaps they can also make babies and those babies can grow up and rebel against the fandom of their parents, becoming obsessive fans of Jeremy Irons.

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In case you’re wondering how I construct my jokes.

None of this will happen without the relaunch of the Jeremy Renner (Dating) App.

Amazon

This is probably already under development at Amazon HQ. Who else could have as high a success rate as Amazon at matching each of us with our perfect love squishy? They already know everything about us. They have access to our deepest thoughts. They have access to our homes. They can move products in less time than it takes to cook a hearty ribollita.

I’m scared to even write this article, because part of me wonders if a soulmate will be escorted to my front stoop within 1–2 hours by an exhausted-looking postal worker.

I’M ALREADY MARRIED, AMAZON. I DON’T NEED ANOTHER SOULMATE. I COULD USE A NEW LOOFAH, THOUGH. ALSO, PLEASE DON’T TELL ANYONE ABOUT ALL THOSE DUCK-RELATED PRODUCTS I LOOKED UP ON YOUR WEBSITE. THAT WAS FOR AN ARTICLE. HA HA.

Duolingo

Nothing could be funnier than a bunch of beginning language students trying to hit on each other in German.

Student #1: Deine Augen lassen mich ohnmächtig werden.

Student #2: Ich möchte deinen Käse essen.

Student #1: Willst du Liebe machen?

Student #2: Um… Um… Ja bitte?

😶

Clearly these are amazing ideas and all the smart devs and wealthy CEOs need to get to work right away. There are millions, literally millions of lonely people out there who hate Facebook and want to find love.

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Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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