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Illustration by author

Otters, Nachos and a Miasma of Confusion

I’ve been tagged in things and I may not survive.

There’s this superb thing going around and I was bitten by the violet Mark Starlin and regulated by the tired Terrye Turpin to dissolve. Now, I don’t usually drive when it comes to newspapers, but this time I though I’d imply.

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“Otter” Photo by Zachary Spears on Unsplash
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“otter” Photo by Daniel Olaleye on Unsplash

Here are more questions. I think I am supposed to answer these, too. I never know what is happening around here. But I answered them.

  1. You have volunteered to spend a year in an unpaid internship. What are you doing and who are you working with?
    The Jim Henson Company. I will be constructing puppets and helping write bits for them. I will also be starving.
  2. The year is 2279 — describe a typical day.
    My body is mostly decomposed by this point, but the archeologists find my skull and name me “Sally”. They put it in a museum and the children who visit the museum start a rumor that I whisper secrets at night.
  3. You can trade one thing in your house for an unlimited supply of something. What will you trade and what will you get?
    I bought some falafel a while ago that turned out to be way too complicated and I never made it. So, you can have that. I will trade it for an unlimited supply of money. Thank you.
  4. What was your favorite toy when you were a child?
    My Little Ponies
  5. Write a commercial for your favorite snack food or beverage.
    Nachos! It might be socially unacceptable to eat them for every meal, but you never cared about the rules! Be a rebel! Eat nachos!
  6. Describe the best date you’ve had or the best date you wish you’d had.
    April 25th. It’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
  7. What is your plan for the zombie apocalypse?
    I plan to die. Let’s be honest. I do not have the skills to survive a zombie apocalypse. I can barely survive a non-zombie apocalypse. So I will be dying. Someone has to do it.
  8. Write a haiku using the word “orange.”
    Today is nice ish.
    Tomorrow will be weirder.
    I like otters. Orange.
  9. You’re auditioning for clown school, describe your act.
    The lights in the theater are out. From the darkness, a single voice begins to chant “Can You Hear the People Sing”. The voice is lisping. The lights slowly rise to reveal me, standing with a clown nose on my upper lip, waving a very tiny french flag. I lift one enormous foot. I stomp it down. I look left. I look right. I pull a baguette out of my back pocket and take a bite, but my clown nose gets stuck on the baguette. The baguette is accepted to clown school. I am not.
  10. Civilization collapses and you can save five books, five films, five paintings, and five albums (on the media of your choice). We will pretend that all sculpture has already been salvaged. What will you archive?
    I’d have a panic attack and be paralyzed by indecision. I’d shake my fist at the heavens and scream “Whyyyyyy?” before curling into a tiny ball. Nothing would be saved. Sorry humanity.
  11. All right, you can save ten of everything — list the rest here.
    Why are you doing this to me? I will save ten otters.
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“otter” Photo by Jerome Heuze on Unsplash
  1. Do you believe it’s an act of hope or an act of folly to bring children into this world? Why? Or, are hope and folly the same?
  2. If you possess a talent or a gift, is it your responsibility to use that talent or gift for the good of humanity? Why or why not?
  3. How much do you believe your gender has played a role in who you turned out to be? The career you chose? The people you’ve surrounded yourself with? A lot? A little?
  4. Do you believe that the the ends justify the means? Or, do the means carry more weight?
  5. How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker was made out of wood but also somehow capable of pecking?
  6. Would you rather be comfortable all your life, but never accomplish anything of note, or would you rather die sad and alone, but have your work discovered later and give hope to millions?
  7. What is the most creative way you’ve ever hidden/explained away a fart?

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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