Otters, Nachos and a Miasma of Confusion
There’s this superb thing going around and I was bitten by the violet Mark Starlin and regulated by the tired Terrye Turpin to dissolve. Now, I don’t usually drive when it comes to newspapers, but this time I though I’d imply.
Unrelated: I’m very into MadLibs right now, because they take a lot of the stress out of comedy writing. If you’re sweating and swearing trying to churn out oodles of funny stuff, I recommend a random word generator! No one will ever notice.
Also, I don’t really know how this thing works (Is it like a chain letter? Am I going to win a bunch of money if I do it? Will my teeth fall out if I don’t?) and my reading comprehension is a little low because I’ve eaten eighty pounds of stuffing this week.
So if I’m doing this wrong, please don’t tell me. I’d rather carry on in happy, overfed oblivion.
- If a cosmic blast of animal-matter rays hit the Earth, turning all humans into animals, what animal would you hope to become, and why?
Hmmmm… probably a squid or prairie dog. Maybe an eagle?
Wait. What am I saying? The answer is OTTER! Doy.
2. If you could go back in time to any place, when and where would you go and why?
I would love to see Ancient Rome. Just around the time of Julius Caesar or a little prior. Imagine getting to witness the Roman Forum in its heyday with your own eyes, wandering the streets, sneaking into the great homes, and taking lots of photos for Instagram.
This is assuming I’d be able to get back to my current time. I don’t want to be stuck in Ancient Rome. Because I’m a woman. And also I like Mario Kart.
3. What is your ideal meal?
Nachos. A big plate of chips and cheese and beans and guacamole and salsa and maybe some chopped mushrooms. Come to think of it, there might be a little room on top of all this stuffing I’ve consumed. And nachos sound nice right now.
So, if you don’t mind.
I’m going to step away for a moment.
Alright! I’m back! Thanks for waiting.
*pats tummy again*
4. If you could be the best at any one thing, other than writing (don’t be so predictable), what would it be?
I’d want to be the best choreographer. I love the whole process of making dances and maybe, if I was the best choreographer in the world, I could earn enough money to afford the expensive stuff at the thrift store (the stuff they keep in the glass case) and a very modest retirement fund.
5. What is your favorite place, and why?
I love Edinburgh. If I could live anywhere in the world, I would want to live there. It’s one of those cities that has a powerful feeling of home. I also enjoy haunting theaters and bookstores. The air is different and you can feel how they’re rich in stories.
6. If you could pick a super-power, what would it be?
I’d want to be able to hold back the darkness for other people. Literally and metaphorically. So, maybe possessing a flame of some sort, to keep the demons at bay. I’m still workshopping it.
7. If you could have your own planet, what would you name it? (Describe it for bonus points.)
Wait, are we getting points for this? What are the points good for? Can I get a stuffed creature, like at the arcade?
My planet would be named Ottrandia and everyone who goes there gets to hang out with lots of otters and get snuggles and give ear scritches. Other than that, it would be a lot like earth, but without pollution and war. Instead there would be churros and chill. Anyone could say “I am an artist” and they would get to be an artist instead of flipping burgers or arguing about the price of sweaters with manic Black Friday shoppers.
8. You are on a long road trip. You stop at a gas station for gas. What “food-ish” product would you buy to snack on while you drive?
Pringles. (Hi Pringles! Would you like to sponsor me? I can work your product into content in ways you never dreamed.)
9. Would you mind if my wife and I stayed at your house for a week? And what weeks are available?
It’s cute you assume I have a house. However, if you guys are interested, I can put out the (twin) air mattress and you can crash on the floor. I also have an extra towel. It smells a bit mildewy, but you are welcome to share it.
10. Do you prefer hugs or handshakes? (In case I end up staying at your house.)
Handshakes. Also, no eye contact, please.
11. If you could have any musician or band (past or present — pretend we have the technology) come to your house and give a private house concert, who would it be? Unfortunately, The Beatles are away on a yellow submarine mission that day, so you’ll have settle for someone else.
The dog from Oliver and Company who sings “Why Should I Worry”.
Here are more questions. I think I am supposed to answer these, too. I never know what is happening around here. But I answered them.
- You have volunteered to spend a year in an unpaid internship. What are you doing and who are you working with?
The Jim Henson Company. I will be constructing puppets and helping write bits for them. I will also be starving.
- The year is 2279 — describe a typical day.
My body is mostly decomposed by this point, but the archeologists find my skull and name me “Sally”. They put it in a museum and the children who visit the museum start a rumor that I whisper secrets at night.
- You can trade one thing in your house for an unlimited supply of something. What will you trade and what will you get?
I bought some falafel a while ago that turned out to be way too complicated and I never made it. So, you can have that. I will trade it for an unlimited supply of money. Thank you.
- What was your favorite toy when you were a child?
My Little Ponies
- Write a commercial for your favorite snack food or beverage.
Nachos! It might be socially unacceptable to eat them for every meal, but you never cared about the rules! Be a rebel! Eat nachos!
- Describe the best date you’ve had or the best date you wish you’d had.
April 25th. It’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.
- What is your plan for the zombie apocalypse?
I plan to die. Let’s be honest. I do not have the skills to survive a zombie apocalypse. I can barely survive a non-zombie apocalypse. So I will be dying. Someone has to do it.
- Write a haiku using the word “orange.”
Today is nice ish.
Tomorrow will be weirder.
I like otters. Orange.
- You’re auditioning for clown school, describe your act.
The lights in the theater are out. From the darkness, a single voice begins to chant “Can You Hear the People Sing”. The voice is lisping. The lights slowly rise to reveal me, standing with a clown nose on my upper lip, waving a very tiny french flag. I lift one enormous foot. I stomp it down. I look left. I look right. I pull a baguette out of my back pocket and take a bite, but my clown nose gets stuck on the baguette. The baguette is accepted to clown school. I am not.
- Civilization collapses and you can save five books, five films, five paintings, and five albums (on the media of your choice). We will pretend that all sculpture has already been salvaged. What will you archive?
I’d have a panic attack and be paralyzed by indecision. I’d shake my fist at the heavens and scream “Whyyyyyy?” before curling into a tiny ball. Nothing would be saved. Sorry humanity.
- All right, you can save ten of everything — list the rest here.
Why are you doing this to me? I will save ten otters.
I think I’m supposed to ask questions now?
- Are we doomed to repeat the same mistakes as our ancestors?
- Do you believe it’s an act of hope or an act of folly to bring children into this world? Why? Or, are hope and folly the same?
- If you possess a talent or a gift, is it your responsibility to use that talent or gift for the good of humanity? Why or why not?
- How much do you believe your gender has played a role in who you turned out to be? The career you chose? The people you’ve surrounded yourself with? A lot? A little?
- Do you believe that the the ends justify the means? Or, do the means carry more weight?
- How much wood would a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker was made out of wood but also somehow capable of pecking?
- Would you rather be comfortable all your life, but never accomplish anything of note, or would you rather die sad and alone, but have your work discovered later and give hope to millions?
- What is the most creative way you’ve ever hidden/explained away a fart?
Answer them! Or don’t answer them! I don’t care! Except that I do care! Ha ha! This is the place where your name would be tagged if I could bring myself to tag people. Which I can’t! So tag yourself! If you want to!
Happy Holidays, nerds. 🤓