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Responses for People who Insist You’re Getting Old and You Need to Have a Baby FAST

a comprehensive list.

“I would, except they don’t have the same value on the black market that they used to.”

“How fast? Like tomorrow? Because I don’t think I can pass a baby through my body that quickly. It takes me three months to pay my taxes.”

“Maybe you could just give me one of yours? Since they all look the same?”

“I had my womb replaced with the engine of a 1982 Buick Riviera.”

“I don’t speak baby, so I don’t know how I would communicate with one. Plus, even when you do speak baby, there’s no point. Babies have stupid opinions.”

“Sure babies are cute, but so are warthogs and I don’t have one of those.”

“I prefer to attain immortality via pithy remarks on Twitter.”

“Babies will only slow me down once the apocalypse hits.”

“Do you promise to babysit it for 40 hours a week while I live out my dream of becoming a competitive ice carver? Also, ice carving doesn’t pay much, so I’ll need those babysitting services to be free.”

“I think my biological clock might be missing a few springs and also seems to be attached to a cartoon bomb. Are those tube things dynamite? I am not a bomb diffusion specialist. I do not know which wires to cut. What were we talking about?”

“I want to be the first 80 year old woman to bear twins. So, I’m waiting until I’m 79 to start trying.”

“In this economy? I’m still trying to find a job where they don’t make pay to work, so I’m not sure how I’m going to afford a baby, unless that kid starts cashiering very quickly after its sticky emergence.”

“What if I have a baby, then it turns out to be a Rick and Morty fan?” (Don’t yell at me. I like Rick and Morty. It’s the best show ever.)

“Gross.”

“I’m allergic to joy and parental sensations.”

“Actually, I already have 30 babies. You can’t see them because they’re invisible. They tell me to kill things.”

“Humans didn’t evolve to the point where they can do parkour and order takeout seven days of the week only to be enslaved to diapers. I don’t like dealing with other people’s poop.”

“Every sitcom gets terrible once the baby/babies arrive.”

“Why do you care?”

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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