Shopping for a Fanny Pack
What’s the going price for my loss of dignity?
My arms have important things to do. My shoulders are old and tired. It’s time to fully embrace my oldness and wrap a pouch around my expanding gut. It’s time to look less like Jane Birkin and more like one of those mules people ride up and down the Grand Canyon. If I had a kid, this would be the point at which they began to question my sanity. The point at which I was no longer allowed to talk to their friends.
It’s time to buy a fanny pack.
The last time I wore a fanny pack, I was eight years old, wearing enormous glasses, nylon shorts and scrunchy socks pulled up as I skipped around Disneyland with a level of energy I’ll never again attain. I kept a blank book in the fanny pack, pulling it out each time I met a Disney character, so I could capture their three-fingered signature, (these days I’ll be using my fanny pack for Excedrin, Aspirin, Bandaids, and some sort of antacid).
So, now that I’ve achieved peak adulthood (it’s a low peak), it’s time to consider why tiny Sarah found using a fanny pack so darn practical.
- You can literally do backflips while wearing them.
Actually, there’s just the one reason. I don’t know why I numbered it. If I can do a backflip while wearing an accessory, then it’s good enough for me. (Because I can totally still do backflips. Tote. All. Ee.)
So, I went to the old googlenator to see what I could find.
I wasn’t prepared for this.
Guys, you might want to brace yourselves.
Turns out fanny packs are cool now. The first three sites that come up are Zumiez, Urban Outfitters, Everlane, and Nordstrom.
This is not what I was hoping for. I was not shooting for some form of norm core, cool girl, ultimate trendiness achivement unlocked instagramable day look.
I am old! I reject trendiness!
Turns out rejecting trendiness is tremendously trendy. 😬
Hey look, a $95 fanny pack. My childhood self could not have anticipated this. But, I’m pretty sure fanny packs are supposed to be $8 and you’re supposed to buy them at Mervyn’s or something.
Rebecca Minkoff Nylon Belt Bag | Nordstrom
Free shipping and returns on Rebecca Minkoff Nylon Belt Bag at Nordstrom.com. Whether you're running to the corner for…
Ooooh, I found a $49 fanny pack, but the cool thing about this one is that you can totally pair it with a little black dress and some heels for the office Christmas party! FORMAL FANNY PACKS FOR EVERYONE! This is not the world I want to live in.
Quilted Belt Bag
Shop Quilted Belt Bag at Urban Outfitters today. We carry all the latest styles, colors and brands for you to choose…
And now somehow I’ve stumbled upon the following horror, which ensures my eyeballs will never feel clean again. You should probably stop reading right now.
I’m warning you.
Don’t scroll down.
Don’t do it.
I warned you.
Please don’t sue me.
The 'Dadbag' Dad Bod Fanny Pack is Disturbingly Realistic
A permanent C-section. Leonardo DiCaprio living the life. A marsupialian pouch for toting beers on the DL. Describe it…
GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Yes, this is a real thing that you can buy with real money. For only $6.25 you can traumatize every person you meet and make everyone you know immediately unfriend you. Such a steal. BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT AMERICA NEEDS.
Part of me wants to buy it.
This is why I really need to find a good therapist soon.
It’s at this point in my fanny pack journey that I’m beginning to question my choices in life. I thought it would be innocent. I thought it would be stupid and fun. But suddenly a lot of emotional weight has been dropped on my tired shoulders and I might need to just keep lugging my oversized backpack around the city, compressing my spine more and more every day. Because that’s what dignity demands. I cannot even discard my dignity with dignity. What is life? Who is life? Why is life?
But, what is this?
Hope? When I least expected it?
Gandalf was right. It truly is darkest before the dawn.
Neon Custom Party Fanny Pack - 90s, 80s, Bride, Bachelorette Party, Rave, Festival, EDC, SMF…
Please read everything below before ordering: This listing can take up to 14 day to make and arrive... If you need it…
Yaaasssssssss! Fanny packs for me! Fanny packs for you! Fanny packs for everyone! Neon colors! Cheesy sayings. Not even trying to be cool, just joyful and crazy and completely dumb without making me want to dip my head in bleach. This is everything I always dreamed of. 😻
Let’s get a million of them and hand them out to all the writers on Medium, so we can let everyone know we’re part of an amazing club of flashy, tasteless, writer dorks! We can keep our Top Writer badges and our tictacs in them.
Young me would be proud.
Sarah is a freelancer who exists on twitter and instagram. She also sells weird things on redbubble. If you liked this deep investigation of the fashion industry, you might also enjoy Sarah’s examination of the humble scrunchie: