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Sorry, People. Zombies are Cancelled.

It hurts, but it’s time.

Zombies have been cool for a while. They’ve got the hard-to-read, bad boy allure of a monster who is stylish without trying. It’s also fun to watch them shamble about. Sometimes they’ll lose a limb at a comedic moment or be willing to stand in as a metaphor for the fear of dying or the impossibility of happiness in our modern world.

Zombies are fun to draw.

They also make any novel more exciting!

If you’re writing a book and you’re looking for a way to make it funnier, zombies can be a great solution. They open up all kinds of humorous possibilities. (I’m a comedy writer on Medium. You can trust me.)

Look! It’s a zombie doing something vaguely human-ish, like drinking coffee or trying to open a bank account! But he’s a zombie! So funny! So fresh! (Not literally.)

You can’t say they haven’t enjoyed their reign as the creepiest of the monsters. Sure, they don’t give big reactions, but, if you’re looking closely, you can tell, somewhere deep in the back of their rotting brains, that they’re having a good time.

And, in return, we’ve certainly enjoyed them. Sure, we might get distracted by the sexier vampires or the the hormonal werewolves who are always good for drama. But never ever do we forget our zombies. There will always be room in our hearts for the specters of our own immortality, the bodies of our beloved dead reanimated by some dark force or impulse of nature.

So, that’s why you might want to hold onto something steady. There’s no way to prepare you for the following news.

I think we’re going to have to cancel zombies.

Don’t leave! Please! Stay! I know I seem like a radical! I know you might not want to face the facts. But the facts must be faced while you still have a face to face them with.

Did you know that zombies kill people?

It’s true! A zombie left to its own devices is actually very dangerous and should never be approached or even filmed. Zombies quite frequently take actual bites out of actual human heads or necks, rendering the bitten human dead and then infecting them with zombie goo. And that zombie goo? It turns the dead person into ANOTHER ZOMBIE. I KNOW!!!

It turns out, the zombie apocalypse isn’t a funny joke or a cute name for a drink at your local bar. It’s what happens when a bunch of zombies get loose and start treating living breathing humans like crab legs at the Caesar’s Palace all-you-can-eat buffet.

You also can’t kill zombies with wooden stakes or silver bullets. Which, my bad. I might have told a few people that was the case and I really hope they aren’t dead right now. If they are, that’s on me.

I’ll do better research next time.

You’re probably making all kinds of excuses for zombies right now. At least they don’t make racist videos on YouTube! At least they don’t abandon their puppies on the side of the road or eat too loudly in the movie theater! (Actually, they might do that last one.)

Yeah, I’m also glad zombies aren’t racists or puppy abandoners, but I’m very worried about the fact that they grab onto humans with their cold, dead hands, then use their bloody teeth to murder them, chomping and chewing and making an awful mess.

We’ve got to cancel them.

It’s not going to be easy, but in this bold, new era, we cannot make exceptions for the creatures of the night we happen to like.

Otherwise we aren’t being fair to all the super cool monsters out there who aren’t snacking on humans.

Like vampires and werewolves.

Thanks for reading! If you liked this post, then consider following me on twitter. Where I alternately cancel and uncancel things at whim.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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