Image for post
Image for post
graphic by author

Spicy, Socially Distanced Activities for Spooky People

Halloween 2020 doesn’t have to be a total bust.

If you’re the sort of person who lives for Halloween, then you’re likely feeling let down at the prospect of a dusty, quiet Halloween this year. Maybe you haven’t even put out pumpkins or tried casting a shrinking spell on your neighbors. Cheer up! While you could spend the 31st eating candy corn and crying, why don’t you grab the ghost by the goiter and embrace the lonely vibes? There are plenty of spicy, socially distanced activities you can do to make Halloween 2020 the scariest ever!

Summon a (mask wearing) demon

If you’re in possession of quiet time and a self destructive streak, then maybe a demon could be in possession of you. It’s worth a try! There’s Zar-edelz, who will take up residence in your belly button and make groaning noises every time you change the channel. Brickrash causes his human hosts to burp spiders, which is always amusing. Tim is an especially scary demon. He’s trying to bring about the end of the world via pointless bureaucracy and when he possesses you, he prevents you from saying anything other than: “That’s the wrong form. You need to fill out A45B and bring it to Reports on the third floor.”

Just make sure the demon you summon is willing to wear a mask, because these are dangerous times.

Spend the night in a haunted house

If you’re lucky, then there’s a dilapidated, creepy haunted house in or near your town. Haunted houses are often unoccupied, because the previous residents were weenies who couldn’t handle creaky doors, animated dolls or spirits with cold hands tickling their feet in the middle of the night. If you’re not a weenie, then there’s no reason you shouldn’t pack up your Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bag and a bottle of hand sanitizer and go have a slumber party with the local ghosts.

If you’re lucky they’ll chase away what’s left of your wits and you can run around town pretending to be a kitten without suffering the judgement of your neighbors.

Bury yourself alive

Maybe you’ve been considering this activity for a while, but it never seemed like the right time. You always had Halloween parties to attend or trick-or-treaters to terrify. Good news! This year you won’t have any of those distractions to contend with, so you might as well enact the classic nightmare known as vivisepulture. Edgar Allan Poe made it sound like a terrifying experience, but, to be fair, he did that with a lot of perfectly normal things. Vivisepulture will keep you far from any of those maskless folks who haven’t been taking the rules of social distancing seriously.

Note: To be certain of eventual rescue, do what the Victorians did. Get a safety coffin with a bell so you can alert nearby folks when you grow weary of all the bugs crawling on your face. Might be safer to wait until after the pandemic is over to ring the bell, though.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Michael Dziedzic on Unsplash

However you decide to celebrate Halloween 2020, make sure to include a healthy sense of humor. After all, it’s possible Halloween 2021 could be even worse! Sure, everything could go back to normal, but isn’t it more plausible that we’ll all be running around with chainsaws taped to our arms, screaming at the moon and dog-paddling in swimming pools filled with blood? So make the most of this year and thanks for reading!

For more stuff I’m on twitter and I have a newsletter.

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store