Study Shows Millennials Don’t Know What Hands Are
Instead young people are calling them: “poopy scoopy grab sticks”
A new study in which we rounded up 100 youthful-seeming humans wearing denim jackets and swoopy haircuts and forced them into a dark basement before waving badly drawn illustrations in front of them and tazing them when they identified them incorrectly has proven without a shadow of a doubt that millennials have no idea what hands are.
Yes, it’s true. Hopped up on avocado toast and crippling student loan debt, 35% of these image-obsessed folks couldn’t come up with the correct answer even when we blared the classic hits of Neil Diamond at top volume into their increasingly hot holding area and refused them meals and showers for three days.
One millennial identified our illustration of a hand as: “some kind of bird or maybe a messy tree?”
Another claimed it was an: “annoying attempt to misshape the narrative around youth culture”.
The third millennial we spoke to couldn’t even be bothered to answer the question. He wore the vintage t-shirt, flushed cheeks and fine coat of sweat that are so popular with kids these days. Clearly obsessed with his own brand, he fanned himself and made the gagging noises known as “vocal fry”. Even after we cheated slightly, providing the hint “sometimes soft and sometimes rough”, he closed his eyes and fluttered down to the pavement.
This confirms our theory that not only are millennials stupid, they are also lazy.
But it’s important not to let one’s biases impact the outcome of journalistic studies. Otherwise the results could be explained away as “too click-baity” and “agenda-driven boomer nonsense”. It’s important that readers understand exactly how useless young people are these days, with their talk of “rotating pdfs” and “gig economies”. You can’t gig an economy! Economies are very heavy!
Our study had to be above reproach.
Perhaps we’d even be surprised and it would turn out millennials weren’t quite as out of touch as we suspected! We were definitely open to that outcome.
To ensure the integrity of the work we were doing, we procured 100 polyester chicken costumes from a local party supply store and encouraged our sample group to put them on and dance to accordion music beneath the hot summer sun (within a controlled area, of course). Study after study has proven that exposure to music, dance and other arts-related activities can boost brain power. Sunshine also has a positive impact on serotonin levels.
Yet, due to their stubborn and rebellious natures, the millennials did even worse than before.
We could not account for it.
But, somehow the 35% of participants who originally couldn’t identify a drawing of a hand ballooned up to 53%.
Millennials were lying on the ground, their yellow, feathered chests rising and falling dramatically as they stared through large, plastic eyes.
“Pencil scratches,” said one.
“Help,” said another.
“Why are you doing this?” asked a third.
“Poopy scoopy grab sticks,” claimed the fourth, before puking inside his chicken head.
We gave each millennial a participation trophy, since we feared without them they might riot. Unused to hard work or dedicating themselves to difficult tasks, they were growing cranky. If there had been any wifi available in their pen, they certainly would have uploaded overwrought complaints about the study to Snapbat and Instantgram.
And, yet, we made sure to remain impartial. Perhaps more time would improve their results.
We gave them every opportunity to excel. Even as they did worse and worse and worse.
With every day that passed.
By the final day of our study, 100% of the millennials involved were unable to correctly identify an illustration of a hand. Their hearts too lazy to beat, their lungs too indifferent to pump air, it turns out the children who were meant to save us all are worthless, lifeless and inert.
We shall have to cast our eyes upon Generation Z.
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