Super Weird Things You Didn’t Realize Could Sink Your Credit Score
Number 3 will shock you! Literally!
Until we implement a Black Mirror-style roster of personal metrics into the fabric of US life, to make it easier to identify which humans are worthwhile and which are not, society must lean on the only tool available, the almighty credit score.
Credit scores demonstrate who is responsible. They reflect whether people pay their bills on time and if they’re the kind of people who deserve good hair days and houses and cars. Could someone with a bad credit score pet the adorable corgi living down the street from me? Unlikely.
People with low credit scores risk being introduced as “that dude” by their parents.
People with high credit scores get mail from banks offering to buy them cars and take them on romantic dinners to restaurants with live music where the waiters wear trousers.
Obviously, everyone wants a high credit score.
But not everyone gets one.
Maybe you opened one too many credit cards, because the offers came printed with pictures of cute otters playing ping pong.
Maybe you bought more socks than you could afford, because they were printed with pictures of cute otters using fax machines to send pictures of their butts to each other.
If that’s the case, then you know exactly why your credit score is low.
But, maybe you’ve been more responsible than the theoretical otter addict of this story (who is not based on a real human being at all). Maybe you don’t know why your credit score is so low.
The culprit could be something you never expected.
That time you ran naked into a Bank of America with your toes on fire
Super weird, right? To you it seemed like a moment of youthful indiscretion, a funny story to tell your kids one day. Well, because of that incident, you might not be able to afford kids.
While you were running laps around the tellers’ booths, swinging your dangly bits for the bank cameras and singing “Walkin on the Sun” (the Smash Mouth version, of course) at the top of your lungs, your toes burning merrily, the bank manager was slamming down the big red button that sends your credit score plummeting.
The time you thought you’d upload a video to YouTube explaining mutual funds with the help of an army of vintage Popples toys.
Maybe you thought you were just creating a useful bit of content. Maybe you thought you’d help someone. Should have done your research. It turns out, nearly all the information you provided in that video was incorrect. Not just incorrect, but dangerous.
The U.S. Department of the Treasury considered bumping your credit score all the way down to a minus eleven when they watched that video. The only thing that prevented them was the somewhat charming performance by Puffball Popple.
That electric eel you left in the mailbox of your annoying next door neighbor who turned out to be a little better connected than you realized.
I promised this one would be shocking! It is!
When you put that electric eel in your neighbor’s mailbox, you saw it as step one in your mission for restorative justice. That inconsiderate neighbor slammed his door at all hours of the night and was way too fond of watching High School Musical at top volume over and over again.
He was practically begging for someone to put a dangerous sea creature in his mailbox.
So you did.
And you lost 20 points off your credit score.
Turns out that guy actually knows Zac Efron and Zac Efron has a lot of power when it comes to credit scores. (That’s a twist ending not even I could have anticipated!) But, anytime you’re contemplating putting an electric eel in someone’s mailbox, ask yourself if that person could possibly have an inexplicable connection to a Hollywood star with their fingers deeply embedded in the financial sector.
On the days when you’re feeling a little quirky, it’s best to stop. Take a moment to inhale. Exhale. Ask yourself if the action you’re contemplating could damage your credit score in some convoluted and semi-impossible way.
If the answer is yes, then it’s best to just lock your door. Stay inside. Don’t answer your phone. Hide your video camera. Find a big, cozy blanket. And burrito up like your financial security depends on it.
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