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The Best Flavors of Gelato I Totally Didn’t Make Up.

Tasty treats that definitely exist.

There’s no better time than the midriff of winter to write an article about gelato. Something about the cracked hands, cracked lips and three layers of puffer jackets really puts me in the mood for icy treats. Lots of people feel the same way! I know I have hundreds of readers who have been sitting around for days, shivering and stamping their feet, wondering when I was finally going to release my list on the best flavors of gelato available across the country.

Here it is.

The Finite Cafe’s Ash and Varnish Gelato
Wahpeton, North Dakota

The Finite Cafe has many legit gelatos that could have made an appearance on this list, but no flavor quite captures the apocalyptic credence of the ash and varnish option. While many gelato shops offer their own spin on varnish, none generates the oaky bitterness or the chemical edge quite the way The Finite Cafe does. The brilliant addition of a coating of ash puts this gelato over the top.

The Happy Tooth’s Fluoride Gelato
Unalaska, Alaska

To be fair, I’m not certain if this was a gelato stand or a dentist’s office. Either way, the fluoride-flavored gelato was a real winner, regardless of the face that the server held a pointy stick at my molars the whole time I ate it. Minty and a little gummy, this gelato made my teeth and my heart sparkle.

Mesozoic Munchers’ Dino Skin Dippers
Crook, Colorado

These chilly gelato treats come on a stick and are wrapped in a sugary coating mimicking dinosaur skin. The best part? The coating actually tastes like dinosaur skin! I don’t know how they managed it, but Mesozoic Munchers got the seasoning just right. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a bite of a mint gelato ball, the flavor mingling with the tangy crispness of ankylosaurus. If you’re in the mood for a second serving, go with the blueberry and piatnitzkysaurus combo.

Timmy’s Peanut Butter, Fudge, Marshmallow, Walnut, Raspberry, Cookie Dough, Oreo, Butterscotch, Ripple.
Swede Heaven, Washington

Timmy’s isn’t a gelato shop. Timmy is a five year old who lives in Swede Heaven and likes mixing weird shit together in the kitchen. But, this five-year-old has stumbled onto a gelato flavor that puts the work of older, more accomplished gelatoteers to shame. To try it, you’ll have to drive up to his house and offer his mommy a bottle of wine. Avoid nap time.

Don’t Come Here This Isn’t a Gelato Shop’s Stracciatella
New York, New York

Typical of ultra cool New York establishments, this place pretends it isn’t what it is, so only those in the know can benefit from the swanky coolness of its offerings. Well, now you’re in the know. Not only is Don’t Come Here This Isn’t a Gelato Shop actually a gelato shop, it’s one of the best in the country. Keep it simple. Order the stracciatella. Then hold on tight, so you don’t drop your scoop when the shop owners chase you out with a broom. So authentic!

There you are! The best gelato in the country, all written out in the best list ever. Anyone up for a road trip? 🚗

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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