The Extremely Full Service School Photography Company
Kids are ugly. Their photos don’t have to be.
Please note: I wrote this piece prior to the current situation affecting schools, the universe and everything, so it isn’t overwhelmingly topical at the moment. Hopefully it still gives you a smile and doesn’t make you want to mail me scary notes. I’m sure your kids are very attractive.
Hello Parents and Guardians of Turpis Elementary!
School photography season is quickly approaching and we know an important topic has been weighing on your minds. No, not the rising cost of college tuition, the inevitable destruction of our planet, or the struggle of trying to get gummy worm stains out of tiny cargo pants.
No, it’s your ugly ass kids.
Most days you don’t think about it. Distracted by sadistic homework assignments and errant boogers, you can remain oblivious to your impending humiliation.
But, no more. The clock is ticking and soon those shiny photos (printed on 3% recycled paper!) will make their way home in the backpacks of your offspring. You won’t be able to avoid the truth any longer.
While there might be a long and proud tradition of eye-searing elementary school photos in this country, that doesn’t mean they’re not the cause of long-term psychological trauma.
School photographs force parents to confront the gap-toothed smiles, inexplicable sunburns, and repugnant ear curvature of their spawn. And it’s not culturally acceptable to burn the photos. Oh no! Parents are expected to proudly distribute them to FAMILY MEMBERS! Attach them to their REFRIGERATORS with tacky MAGNETS. Maybe even post them ONLINE!
Imagine what Annabeth Westler, who you dated briefly in fifth grade, will think when she sees what hideous children you’ve produced! Or Great Uncle Bob! Or, God forbid, your boss!
You never should have added him on Facebook, but it’s too late now, isn’t it?
Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.
First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that you aren’t alone. Most kids are unattractive. Sure, they sing cute songs and draw fun pictures, but they aren’t exactly Brad Pitt.
And you shouldn’t get all worked up about it! There will come a day when they grow into their enormous feet or learn to groom their eyebrows. Each passing year will bring a little more shame, as bullying from their peers inspires them to address their unsightly bits.
Eventually, most of them won’t look half bad! People will like their Instagram photos and it won’t be entirely out of pity.
In the meantime, as they stagger through the awkward years, their goober faces shouldn’t reflect poorly on you.
That’s why we’ve started The Extremely Full Service School Photography Company. We saw a hole in the school photography industry that could only be plugged by our team of experienced professionals.
We have airbrushers on staff to even out the mottled complexions of your unsightly whippersnappers. But even the mediocre school photography companies have those. At The Extremely Full Service School Photography Company we take it eight steps further.
On photography day, hairdressers and makeup artists will be on hand to discover and emphasize whatever natural attractiveness your child already possesses. Whether it’s a graceful nostril, or a lovely sideburn hiding beneath a mane of tangled tresses, they will find it!
Our accredited dentists will give their choppers a quick polish while our manicurists take care of those nasty claws.
And you don’t have to worry about costuming! We have a large collection of designer clothes in all sizes that travels with us to every school. Trust us when we say that our curated selection of blouses and button-downs is far more impressive than whatever weird clown t-shirt your child is currently obsessed with.
Body doubles are available if our shapewear doesn’t do the trick, or if your child is incapable of sitting in a relaxed, natural position.
We also have a team of smile coaches! They are the best in the industry. Depending on your parenting philosophy, they apply positive or negative reinforcement to get the most radiant smiles possible out of your uggos.
Are you worried it won’t be enough?
Is your tot a special case?
With our Even Fuller Service Tier, we’ll show up at your home a month before photo day and whip your rascal into shape with a daily workout routine, nutritional audit and modeling class. By the time it faces the camera, your progeny will be indistinguishable from a young Michael B. Jordan or Megan Fox. Before you know it, you’ll be handing out photographs to everyone you meet! Maybe even emailing them to your bowling buddies or using them to wallpaper the new addition to your home!
There’s no need to suffer through mortifying school photographs ever again. We’re here to make even the most nauseating, wart-faced toad of a child sparkle!