The Lion King was Alright, but I Kinda Wish it had Taken More Risks.
Anyone else ever watch a movie and think, “Hey, that’s alright, but I’d really like to throw some more spices in the blender?” That was my experience when I took a stroll down nostalgia row at the cineplex last week and stared down all the leo-shaped remembrances on display.
Lion King 2.0 was fine, I guess, but it could have roared a little louder. I have some ideas on how to make that happen.
Disney, you’re free to use a few of these, should you wish to three-make The Lion King again in twenty-five years. Oh, you’re not planning on three-making The Lion King? Ha ha! Nice try. You’re not fooling anyone, mousy pants. Everyone knows you won’t be able to stay away from that whisker-scented pile of bills.
In exchange for the use of my ideas, I only request that you give me one million dollars. (I’d prefer it now and not in twenty-five years.)
I’d also like you to use your imagineering technology to bring Carrie Fisher back to life so she can star in the film I haven’t written for her yet. (I’d prefer you did this now and and not in twenty-five years.)
I know you have the creativity, the cash and the cookie-scented magic needed for such a task.
Thanks so much!
Here are the ideas!
Nat Geo that sucker up.
One thing Medium readers might not know about me is that I’ve invested a lot of time into watching National Geographic Wild. There’s nothing quite as comforting, after a long day of churning out life-changing content, as sipping on a glass of sangria and watching two South American gray foxes sniff each others’ butts.
Because nature is nasty.
And Lion King 2.0 really should have leaned into that more with their wildife stuff. Simba eating a grub? We can do better.
I want dismembered baby antelopes struggling to breath as they’re torn apart by a vicious pack. I want to see the male lion cubs who weren’t born to kingship get left out in the wild to die. I want to see a lioness with a porcupine quill through her lip. Did you known that hyenas are cannibalistic? If you do, then you certainly didn’t learn it from The Lion King.
Let’s change that for the next generation of Disney fans.
Kill Simba’s mom.
Remember in Bambi when Bambie’s mom got hunted to death and then the forest burned down? And we learned the most important lesson Disney has ever taught us? That the true enemy is Man? We could use a little more of that spirit these days! Man is more dangerous than ever, now that we have the internet. He can buy 50 neon-striped shoelaces and have them shipped to his house in ONE HOUR. This is too much power for one species.
Missed opportunity, Mousecrackers.
We know you’re good at killing moms. Don’t hold out on us here.
Paste in some songs from the Broadway musical.
The Lion King But On Broadway knows what it’s doing. Can we get a little Shadowlands and He Lives in You in 3.0? It would make a lot of theater nerds very happy. And when you make theater nerds happy, they’re willing to rub your feet and kill all your enemies. Forever. Just don’t invite them to your parties, because they’ll never let you have the mic at karaoke.
Have a scene where Mufasa fights a crocodile.
I just really want to see a lion fight a crocodile.
Put a little more effort into the costumes.
You can laugh, but part of the reason I go to the movies is to see all the elaborate costumes. Give me embroidery, sequins and a fierce pair of boots and I’m in movie heaven. Unfortunately, all the characters in Lion King 2.0 were naked. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT? The lion fur was rendered with a lot of care, but it’s nothing next to the zippy Chanel necklace Anne Hathaway sported in The Devil Wears Prada.
So I’d suggest in Lion King 3.0 we give the animals a little more bling. Maybe a plaid kilt for Scar or a hand-painted robe for Timon. Zazu would look sporty in a Demeulemeeter belt and a beanie.
It can only help.
I know you’re overwhelmed by the brilliance of my suggestions, so I’ll hold off from giving anymore right now. But, for another million dollars, they can all be yours, my pixie-dusted, yellow-shoed, happy-tune whistling overlords.
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