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The March of the Penguin Mummies

bah rum da rum da

An article about penguin mummies is trending and, rather than read it, I’ve decided to imagine what sort of behaviors a penguin mummy might engage in. It’s not the kind of imagining John Lennon recommends, but that guy was dyslexic and probably meant to write about penguin mummies instead of peace and love. (Also, a penguin mummy would be an excellent Halloween costume for those willing to take their lives into their hands for a little 2020 trick or treat action.)

It’s not just John Lennon who is confused. If I’m being completely honest, the old content-creating machine (mynoggin) hasn’t been excessively on point. I mixed up the words “toaster” and “refrigerator”, which I’m trying to dismiss as election anxiety and not the encroaching shadow of dementia. Perhaps this is another stage in the pandemic, the stage in which we all start leaving our socks in the printer and forgetting why we walked into various rooms. At least it’s better than baking bread, because that shit was boring.

I’ve been bracing for the zombie apocalypse for a while, but I don’t know how well I’ll be able to fight the undead when I keep forgetting where I left the scissors. Maybe I don’t have to be afraid of zombies anymore. Maybe the apocalypse will consist of penguin mummies instead. I could read the article and find out, but I need some good news and would rather imagine my doom coming at the rotting beak of a reanimated penguin.

It’s way better than the other dooms I’ve been imagining. Most people these days would rather die of penguin than covid. I’d bet my stale loaves of bread on it.

(Write on Medium, they said. Focus on the Topics that Interest You. It will be Great for Your Career.)

Perhaps a Brendan Fraser-eque adventurer is about to unleash this pudgy, tuxedoed horror upon our “civilization”. I bet the penguin mummies are angry because they were wronged by an evil, old-timey explorer who promised them endless tuna, but trapped them on a drifting ice floe instead. Now they want revenge.

It would make a great animated show and I am available in the unlikely chance that Cartoon Network reads this I am not devoured by penguin mummies.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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