Photo by Trollinho on Unsplash

The Moist Wars

Fun for everyone to enjoy, okay, maybe not everyone, but someone.

Sarah Lofgren
3 min readJun 11, 2022


A year ago I got ten likes on a tweet and grew mad with power, using my newfound fame to jump on the cancel train and cancel a word or two. I canceled “cheugy” (you haven’t seen it around, have you?) and also stopped people from using “ninja” in job descriptions.

Everyone was really cool about it. They supported me.

Until I tried to cancel “moist.”

You’d think I kicked someone’s favorite puppy (I would never do that — I only kick unpopular dogs —I AM KIDDING). All these moist stans crawled out of the woodwork to tell me I had it wrong. They defended moist. They said canceling it would result in dry muffins. They even said hating on moist is sexist! Can you believe it? I can’t possible be sexist. There are three women in my family and one of them is me.

With the hard-earned hubris that only comes from making $5.21 on, I dug in my heels. I wasn’t was particularly committed to my stance, but fighting in the comments section is what the internet was made for.

Now time has passed. I’ve mellowed on the issue. Not because I think I’m wrong (never!), but because I realized there might be potential for a moist-related payday.

Picture, if you will, a board game. Written across the top of the box, in big juicy letters, are the words “Moist Wars.” You pull the game off the shelf and it’s a little damp, but that’s okay, because fun is waiting for you!

It’s time to open the box and pull out all the sweaty components.

  • There’s a wiggly, slippery game board that reminds you of those gross hand toys kids used to buy for 25 cents from vending machines. Printed across the top are blue droplets of various sizes. They’re inky and uncomfortable.
  • There are 24 game pieces. They’re divided into two different colors. The green ones are in the shape of happy little writers typing away at their novels. The purple ones are sad little writers with their faces smushed angrily into their keyboards.
  • There’s also a die, because whatever.
  • The game comes with a miniature sprinkler that starts spraying water in random directions anytime…