The Psyche-Scarring Incidents Witnessed By Santa Claus
A tale of holiday dread
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness’ sake!”
Yeah, that song is about me. And, unfortunately, it is true.
Lots of people think that sounds creepy. They don’t like the idea of Santa watching them sneak the broccolini off their plates or wipe their boogers on the car seat. Not to mention the really nasty stuff, like farting in their little sisters’ jewelry boxes. Life would be a lot easier if the big guy in the red suit wasn’t watching all the time.
You think I signed up for this?
You think Santa has a choice when it comes to keeping his bloodshot eyeballs focused on all the little monsters running around earth?
I’d so much rather take a bath with a hot toddy. (Or in a hot toddy? Is that something we can do here? Someone make a note.) I’m also a very talented popcorn stringer, but there’s never any time to string popcorn because I’ve gotta keep watching these little stinkers stinking up the world one stink after another.
I can hear you now. “Wow, Santa! It almost sounds like you don’t like children.”
I challenge you to watch one child for 24 hours straight without blinking or taking a break to check instagram. I bet, even if that child belongs to you, you’re going to hate it by the time you’re done. That’s how it works. Because children are snot gremlins sent to earth to torment humans who dared express smug opinions about what better parents they’d make than their own parents. That’s why this whole thing keeps happening again and again.
That’s why Santa can’t rest. That’s why Santa doesn’t have any children of his own. (Despite Mrs. Claus’s best efforts.)
And I have SEEN some things. And I… I need you to take control this year. Before I lose my mind. This job only includes one mental health appointment a year and I have to do it over speakerphone while I keep watching your ridiculous children. (Also, I kind of suspect my therapist might be Rudolph doing a funny voice.)
