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The Spring Handbag Trends You Literally Can’t Live Without

A guide for the woefully underprepared

Maybe you haven’t noticed yet, but it’s very nearly Spring 2019!

You know what this means! It’s time to put away thoughts of sparkly winter clutches and fuzzy fake fur satchels and start pondering which of the emerging spring handbag trends will be the one for you! Immediately!

Otherwise you might die!

It’s pretty lucky you clicked on this article, since we’ve compiled all the information you desperately need to know. Follow our advice and ensure your outfits don’t look woefully outdated! Follow our advice and blend into any crowd!

Follow our advice and ensure your accessories don’t offend the OTRRWTPTKY (Official Taste Reporting Robots With The Power To Kill You).

What’s the first big trend of the season? We predict it’s going to be:



The modern lanyard consists of a small pouch at the end of a long chain. The most stylish ones will be constructed of fake leather and cost $2000 or more, (available at all state stores). They’re handy because you don’t have to use your hands or shoulders to hold things, which makes it easier to turn big rocks into small rocks and submit detailed reports describing the suspicious activities of your neighbors.

(Activities like climbing fences in the dead of night or sneaking through dark underground tunnels are definitely not made easier by lanyards and we do not recommend trying these activities.)

However, don’t go too colorful or cheap when picking our your lanyard. A kicky, custom-painted lanyard can quickly become a garrote in the right robot hands.


The mini duffle is also shaping up to be a big handbag trend this spring. It’s both practical and impractical, which is one of the prime signifiers of high fashion. We recommend you select a mini duffle in a dreamy sky blue color, (if you haven’t ever seen the sky, please refer to swatches in your state manual for reference).

The mini duffle tells people you’re the sort of person who is prepared to pack up all your items at a moment’s notice and charge out into the cruel night to avoid imprisonment in theory, but also that you respect the rules and authority of the OTRRWTPTKY and would never actually try and escape.

This dichotomy makes you feel as if you have the power and strength of will to resist, while acknowledging that no one really cares what you think and there’s a lot of good tv on at the moment.


Do I even need to say it? Of course transparent bags are going to be a big hit with the OTRRWTPTKY. No one has ever been “removed from society” while carrying a transparent bag! The bodies displayed every Friday in the Hallowed Square are never accompanied by transparent bags!

Why? Because transparent bags manage to be bold, yet anti transgressive at the same time. They show off your lipstick. They show off your mandatory monitoring devices. They’re perfect for any fashionable utopian society. All the it girls and boys will be carrying them the moment the sun comes out and curfew switches to 7pm (instead of 4pm).

We recommend all your bags be transparent and, to prove you have nothing to hide, all your clothing as well.

Now that spring is bearing down on us and winter is fleeing as quickly as it can, make sure you’re on top of it! Humans of all genders and flavors. Get into the closest state store and find the one bag that’s perfect for you. The one bag that screams “I understand trends and also please don’t kill me”. Don’t fuss over money or worry about your individuality.

After all, you can’t afford to be unfashionable when fashion is a matter of life and death.

Happy Spring 2019!

Thanks for reading! Sarah is a freelancer who exists on twitter and instagram and redbubble.

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Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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