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The Trick to Assembling the Family You Want

is not giving your “family members” an option.

Due to circumstances beyond their control, some people are not born into loving and accepting families. Instead, they struggle for years and begin creating new families as they grow up. Families who support their dreams. Families who teach them the best settings for washing socks and always DVR the season premier of The Good Place.

Families aren’t always related by blood. Sometimes they’re formed via a shared and unusual interest blood.

Perhaps your father is the kindest, most loving person on the planet. Perhaps he gives good hugs and taught you to play guitar and make terrible puns.

Or, perhaps your father is a fart face from the planet Fartfacia. Perhaps he told you, “go stick your head in that wasp nest; I wanna see what happens,” when you were four years old.

In the first example, your father would be an excellent family member.

In the latter, your best option is wandering into a Taco Bell and finding out if the cashier will adopt you.

There’s no shame in assembling your own family! Sure, it takes work. Sure, it requires persistence. The people you love might be reluctant to take on the roles you assign them. Roles such as “crazy aunt” or “crying baby sister” or “mama who gives me a daily allowance of $25.” Don’t be discouraged. Keep at it!

And, remember this important point:

The best families are formed when the members don’t have a choice.

Just like you don’t have a choice what family you’re born into, consent is not required when your friends and acquaintances are drafted into your new family.

You have to make the world you want, not politely ask permission from the world you have.

For example, say Bob wants to go bowling on Friday night rather than join the family game night you’ve planned. Just tie him to a chair and poke him with Lincoln Logs until he screams, “Uno!”

Then there’s Charline. Charline doesn’t want to wear the sister dress you sewed her. The one with little red flowers and a big, floppy collar? Superglue that dress to her body and stuff the collar down her throat until she appreciates the SACRIFICES YOU MAKE FOR THIS FAMILY!

Chris Hemsworth keeps arguing that he’s a big movie star and shouldn’t have to make appearances in your family vacation YouTube videos? Trap him on your private beach in a Hawaiian shirt and tell him you’ll tase his dog if he doesn’t smile for the camera. (Don’t actually tase his dog. Tasers can kill dogs. An animal dying or in pain is NOT FUNNY. If you laughed at this joke, you are a and you don’t get to be in my family.)

How do you choose the people who will make up your new family?

  • Well, it’s easier if they have a hard time saying “no” to stupid ideas.
  • They should also be relatively photogenic, because why have a family if you can’t post pictures of them on Instagram?
  • Not as strong as you.
  • Personally, I like it when my family members are good at making coffee.
  • Good singing voices are also vital, in case you want to put together a family band like The Partridge Family.
  • Make sure they like animals.
  • And are good at hugs.
  • But only on days when you want to be hugged.

I think that’s about it! If you have an amazing birth family, remember that you’re very #blessed and don’t take them for granted. Give that marvelous family all the love, support and threats they deserve.

If you don’t have an amazing birth family, don’t lose heart! I’m sure the family you assemble will be eye-blazingly beautiful and possess perfect pitch.

Just don’t stay away from store-brand shock collars. Consider this your final tip. Name-brand shock collars are always worth the investment when you’re building the ultimate, happy family.

Written by

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts.

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